~ pink sunshine. *

where did i go wrong?

2006-09-27T11:21:00.000+08:00

Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray

I never knew, I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head, over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind, she's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head, over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind, she's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head, over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind, she's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head, over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind, she's on your mind

___
i'm losing you and it's effortless.
would it matter now? would it matter to you?

fireflies. freedom.

2006-09-15T21:48:00.000+08:00

~* music: blind - lifehouse
~* mood: sleepy

fireflies.

seems so distant now those stars in your eyes
or were there stars that used to reside there?

these oceans now calm giggle at the breeze
that pass by its tiny waves carrying memories
of years i have held so close to me.

i smile back at the deep sky as it burns
lightly as the sun departs for the night
to hold me tight in its warm, windy embrace.

i love this, holding hands with the ones who
stayed amidst my errors, my ways, my flaws;
those who rescued and lit the way for me.

i look at them with so much love, with so much marvel.
i keep their memories in the light of the firefly
that appeared on the same night that changed my life.

the little firefly that tried to warn me of you.
the same firefly you hoped to catch with your hands.

i can't say i don't miss you.
though i can say that i'm stronger than you ever thought i was.
i'm stronger than you'll ever know i am.

the winds have changed and things are going my way.
each day is a blessing that i've kept inside brown pages,
black ink, yellow light and night music.

each day becomes a light i shine in the night.
each day becomes my peace, my heaven, my nirvana.
each day becomes each prayer i lift up.

because i never forget the good things.
because i haven't lost my faith.
because i believe enough to live another day.

nothingness.

2006-09-06T23:45:00.000+08:00

i don't have to wait for you to leave.
i'm leaving you
because after tonight, there's no turning back.

i can't do this anymore.
i just can't fucking do this anymore.
it's over okay?

don't tell me i'm stuck. don't tell me i'm not getting over it. because chances are, you're the one who's standing still.

i still remember all the lies you've told me.
___

So let me on down
'Cause time has made me strong
I'm starting to move on
I'm gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone
And you know
It's just too little too late
A little too long
And I can't wait
~ jojo - too little, too late

there's no trust, there's no faith. THERE'S NOTHING.

my melody

2006-08-30T19:37:00.000+08:00

~* music:
~* mood:

i woke up to ellen's text message saying

Yo! Magandang hapon! =)) u awake? U at home? U busy? =))

and i was like, what? oh. didn't have load so i had to text her through chikka and ym. :p hehe. she came over for lunch, and we hung out, talked, and played huntsville til around 5:30. it was fuuun!! we got to talk about people. harhar. >:)

yeah so i'm excited for tomorrow's course card distribution! even though i know what my grades are already. kj kase profs ko e. haha joke. ANYWAYS. i'm waiting for kitel's phone call. *yeah while i'm online..great val* i haven't talked to her for a long time now and i kinda miss her already. oh and i got to talk to my s19 girlfriends last night, kitel, andrea and pearl. :) i miss them. :D

well today was major fun. can't wait for what tomorrow will bring! :D

[ edit @ 11:54 p.m. ] so i wasn't able to watch CSI cuz the tv's dead *major sucks* so i watched the perfect man on dvd. it was cute. :D i like hilary duff. haha! teeny bopper amp. wala lang. i liked the movie. cute siya. next target ko, the devil wears prada. yeah. major cool movie of the year. :D i hope i get to watch it on the big screen. :D

i just wanna say

2006-08-30T00:46:00.000+08:00

that i'm really happy right now and...i dunno. i can't believe what just happened though it's a no brainer. yeah. :)

i'm happy. :) and i hope it stays that way til...the rest of my life? harhar. :p gnyt people.

doesn't even hurt anymore

2006-08-29T21:50:00.000+08:00

~* music: looking in the eyes of love - the corrs
~* mood: cool

i bet you can't live under the light
under the lanterns of secrets we've burnt
in the honor of tears i've shed for you.
i bet you can't wait to get on that wave
that will take you so far, and drown you
probably before the sun sets.

i will keep no promises. i will hold no words.
i live as long as the sun shines
and the winds breathe.

you walk away, the rain disappearing
from the sky, the sun shines
and this rainbow tells me that
it's better off that way.

you don't have to act like
you're the hero in all this;
you don't have to tell me
i don't have to hear the words
the endless apologies
the empty words, your clouded eyes
they all tell me the same thing.

you were blind. and i was deaf
to hear them saying that my efforts
were all in vain.

this isn't about love anymore.
this isn't even about me.
this is about you.
and how you manage to lose it
whenever i try to give it back.

i have a life! --focus!

2006-08-28T21:20:00.000+08:00

~* music: wishing - hale
~* mood: creative!

i'm really happy by the way that today turned out to be. today was a success in the sense that we were able to accomplish what we had to accomplish plus a little bit more. :) yeah. *i just kinda wished that other people would be as enthusiastic about it as i am..huhu*

anyways. i was windowshopping at shang this afternoon and i mentioned to erik that this place (shangri la mall) makes me wanna marrry a wafu rich guy and he replies, this place makes me wanna BE a wafu rich guy. come to think of it, yeah. harhar.

i saw one of our...how would you call it? common crushes today. erik said he looked pathetic. wahaha! but he was cute. makes me remember one of the stupidest things i've ever done in my whole life. then makes me remember one of the most bangag *but UBERLY funny* things that mimah did in her whole life. =)) speaking of mimah, i miss her. then suddenly, she buzzed me. yeah. :D

so anyway, i was bitten by the inspiration bug so...here. :)

click on the preview to see the full scale image. :) i dedicate this to ms. sangil who inspired us all in her passion and love for the arts. naks! haha! thanks to rafi for the lovely brushes! I MISS MY ENGLTRI FRIENDS!!! :D

anyways. :) i'm really happy and thankful and inspired so i hope this lasts until the new term. :D yeah. i ♥ life.

until the sun dies

2006-08-27T00:50:00.000+08:00

i sat out on the porch, a warm cup of coffee in my hands. i thought of last night. i thought of the fire that burned when i said those hateful words. i thought of how much--or how little you've left me with whenever i asked something of you.

i looked at the horizon, the dying light of the sun sending rays up to the clouds shrouded in the dark blue of the coming night. i missed you. i missed you so bad but apparently you did not feel the same way. sometimes i wish the sky would swallow me up. because sometimes i don't know who's the one to blame. i can't trust myself anymore. it's scary when it comes to that point. when i'm so lost in my rage that i don't see you anymore. it's like, there was a whole new universe placesd between us everytime you talk like that. everytime you'd hide away. everytime you shut me out of your world.

i've seen you walk away too many times. to the point that i'd never notice the door open and close anymore. i wish you hadn't. i wish you'd stop doing this because everytime you do, it becomes all crazy. it defies every word you said. every word you said suddenly becomes so empty and meaningless. that's the part when i start to cry because i realize that this is all a joke. that you never meant anything. ANYTHING. but then again it doesn't matter now because you're in that "gone" state again. you're in that state when you're like a million miles away from me, and you won't say a word, not a word about anything we've ever done. because you live inside secrets. you live inside whispered words and closed doors. i can't do that. i just can't do that anymore. because fire needs to breathe. the flames need the air to move them to their dance. i'm not like you. i'm not like the still waters that only ripple at the winds. i needed my freedom. and having you in my life just doesn't give me enough room to fly.

i keep wishing for that day when i'd see the real you. until then i'm trying. until then, i'm still the one to watch you walk away.

i didn't notice when tears fell. the sun was dying. and so was i.

typical

2006-08-26T23:27:00.000+08:00

~* music: sabihin mo na - top suzara
~* mood: uber bored

i bummed around all day which is typical for a term break-slash-weekend day. :\ i finally finished reading that new book i bought, i was a teenage fairy by francesca lia block. ima read the five people you meet in heaven next. i borrowed it from val/scorpionflare. oh and i watched tv this evening. TV!! matagal na akong hindi nagbabad sa tv. i was watching AXN earlier, and i was able to catch a few good shows like dr. house and numb3rs.

anyway. i so wanna graduate and get out of the here and now. it's starting to be so pathetic. :(

i'm just really sad right now. i miss my friends. i miss our laughter.

___
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken...

walking alone

2006-08-25T22:51:00.000+08:00

i've tried time and again
to traverse this road on which i trespassed
your life, your love, your everything.
and everytime i'd walk on
you'd just walk ahead, look away,
leave, shut me out, go away.
you never waited, you never heard me
when i asked you to stay
when i asked you to leave the light on.
it hurts to know that we've been so close
but you were millions of miles away
while i dreamt on about us
and you broke those dreams.
now you're telling me i haven't moved an inch
when i'm on the other side of the road
how could you do this to me?
how could you even try?
how come you couldn't see that
i've made it this far and that i'm living my life
how come you couldn't see that
i was always the one to watch you walk away?

___
i wanna fly away. i wanna fly away from now.
i wanted to fly but i've broken my wings.

great

2006-08-25T20:53:00.000+08:00

~* music: sabihin mo na - top suzara
~* mood: let down

just fucking great.

WALK AWAY. jan ka naman magaling diba?

major annoyance

2006-08-25T19:30:00.000+08:00

~* music: leave (get out) - jojo
~* mood: SUPER FUCKING ANNOYED

well this day didn't turn out to be the way it was supposed to be cuz some effin people managed to ruin my fucking day by being so fucking DENSE.

you know just thinking about it makes me want to cry right now. kase naman no, simpleng tanong di magawang sagutin. GRR!! major kakainis. i mean, masama ba magask ng kahit onting time para makasama yung tao?! shet sori for trying ah?! grr!! i mean, gawd, if you don't wanna tell me where you are then fine! sabihin mong ayaw mo ipaalam, wag mong iwasan yung topic punyeta hindi naman ako mahirap kausapen diba?! it's not like i didn't tell you yesterday that i wanted to spend time with you today. GRR!!

i went back to school at around three para hanapin siya eh wala naman siya so...yun. sayang. :(

i guess no words could describe the really mad feeling i have right now. i'm frustrated, pissed, annoyed, and...well, get a thesaurus and go figure. you know what sucks the most? the person who caused all this doesn't even give a damn. how nice. grr.

inspired

2006-08-24T22:26:00.000+08:00

~* music: buttons - PCD
~* mood: high

and i hope this will last for the rest of my life. :D harhar. or until thesis ends. yeah.

wish me luck!!

p.s. this is what i said when mimah asked me what my term break plans were:
thesis. company visits and interviews. in between that, gawa ng documents. in between that, manood ng dvds and magbasa ng books.
it's pretty much a very boring, no brainer plan.
but...it's still a plan. jemmet!!! haha!

everything

2006-08-24T16:47:00.000+08:00

~* music: everything - lifehouse
~* mood: senti

watching buildings and roads pass by
on the train, catching the sunshine on my face,
the light glinting in my eyes.

i wish you were here.
while i breathe in the city
while i breathe out thoughts of you.
while everything passes by so quickly
like time
like time.

the sun rests over the clouds
and i smile because it reminds me of you
sunshine.
the light under water, the reflections of dreams
and warm embrace of the wind.
you are here with me at this moment
i think of you.
you are here
you live with me
breathe with me
and wherever i go
you are with me.

whatever

2006-08-23T20:11:00.000+08:00

~* music: invisible - ashlee simpson
~* mood: pagod, naiinis, nagugutom!! haha

so this day pretty much got fucked up. :( went to school, was supposed to get the artapre course cards but wasn't able to cuz when we went to the faculty room *twice!!* the goddess wasn't there. :( sadness. and...marchus' birthday bash was delayed cuz people had to present their thesis and there were lotsa stuff to do and well, bottomline is that marchus wasn't there when we celebrated. kinda. that sucked. well anyways.

we *ellen, erik, me* were pretty much bad trip at certain times of the day and...yun. nakakainis lang na hindi kami masaya today. it was supposed to be fun, but certain people/things just had to ruin it. ANYWAY. belated happy birthday, marchus. :D hehe. in fairness kahit wala kami sa mood, may bluetooth moments paren kame. wahaha!

oh and we got our contact prints today! aliw. mejo. haha. iba pala itsura pag naprint na at pag nasa computer pa. mas maganda pag naprint na. hehe. so...ellen and erik were like...oh you look like a...bitch *next picture* bitch..*next picture* bitch..*next picture*..bitch paren eh!! haha! bwiset. pero i like it naman. :D hehe.

anyways. may thesis thing kami bukas. i hope it would be a better day tomorrow. :) yeah.

___
nakakainis pag wala kang kausap pero gusto mo ng kausap pero wala ka talagang makausap kase wala silang lahat para kausapin ka. wala lang.
it could've been better.

i hate this.

2006-08-22T22:35:00.000+08:00

~* music: kiss the rain
~* mood: naiinis. sobra

the algocom final exam was hard. i'm sure i flunked it. grr. appsdev was fun! i think we all got a high grade for that. :D at least that's one thing to be happy about. i'm glad i got to hang with the gang today. i miss them a lot not just cuz we didn't see each other for two days but because we've been too stressed to really have fun, you know?

anyway.

right now i'm...kinda...feeling really bad cuz of some things that...well...how could i put it? demons coming back to haunt me. yeah. there are some things i have to face and right now it feels so fucking annoying that i have to do this right now when it's the fucking term break and i wanna rest but i can't cuz there's much to do yet. yes. grr. i just wanna hit someone hard right now. or cry. just cry until it hurts, you know? :( i hate this. i really fucking hate this. i hate it when you have no other fucking choice but to face the damn thing and get it over with. i hate having to face all the consequences of the wrong choices i made. I HATE NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT CUZ I MADE THE FUCKING WRONG CHOICES I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE ANYWAY. punyeta!!! grr!! sobrang naiinis lang talaga ako. :(

i wanna go away. i wanna get away from all this. cuz i'm fucking tired. i just wanna start over, you know? but sometimes you can't. sometimes it's there and you can't fucking do anything about it anymore. grr.

:(

i think i need to sleep this off. :(

____
like fire and water
like the wind against the rain
freefalling and turning, twisting
in this storm of love and hate.
i'm lost and i can't get through
i'm lost and all i wanna do
is hold on to you.

i love change. don't you?

2006-08-21T22:19:00.000+08:00

~* music: everything - lifehouse
~* mood: malamiiig!!!

finals tomorrow. algocom at 11:30 and appsdev at 3:00. effshet. i'm actually excited about it. i am so freaking weird.

i am so freaking glad this term is over. but then again, there's a lot of things i'm gonna miss. :( cathy is graduating at the end of this term. so are the on-time ST batch of catch 2T7. not that close kami or anything. i just feel like...aww gagraduate na sila...that's it. grr i'm not gonna see cathy around anymore. sad. :( oh but i'm sure i'm gonna see her around sa mga gigs. speaking of gigs, i need to get around more often. hehe. yeah so i plan on doing a movie marathon this coming term break. and! i so wanna get my hands on that one tree hill collection. :D eek! gawd just give me anything interesting to watch this coming term break! what else? mm oh right i'm gonna study .Net! amp. well VB's already installed on kanuha so why not, right? :) yaz. come first term, THESIS nanaman. yes, we have to face the demons of our past. amp. XD sabog.

so lately my mind's been empty *no, not in the brain dead sense*...in the sense that wala na ko masyado iniisip. it's nice, actually. everything's...lighter. nax. :)) i guess i finally got my wake up call to get a grip and set things straight. :) yeees val. i just hope it lasts until like...the rest of my life *copyright erik!*. argh. speaking of the lollipops, i miss them. we've been too stressed to do anything fun so...i wanna karaoke! :D hehe. i'm gonna get mimah to sing! that's like, one of my missions in life. haha! anyways. i'll leave you guys with this:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental,
To reach out for another is to risk involvement,
To expose one's feelings is to risk exposing one's true self,
To place ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk ridicule,
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure,
And yet the person who risks nothing,
Does nothing, has nothing, and ultimately becomes nothing.

___
i've risked, i've failed, i've been broken. but hey. i'm still alive, right? :)

rain drenched

2006-08-20T22:54:00.000+08:00

~* music: invisible - ashlee simpson
~* mood: cold and sleepy

i just watched elektra on star movies and i think jennifer garner is hawt. :D she kicks ass. literally. she's one of my favorite actresses, by the way. :D

today was a drag. i woke up at two in the afternoon after having slept for more than 12 hours. nyaha! i love catching up on my sleep. lovely. anyways. i did the laundry this afternoon cuz our maid's out for the week. huhu. and yes, it's raining right now so...that sucks. i do not like the rain. rawr.

my mood is so rain drenched. i'm freaking bored, and i haven't studied for the exams on tuesday yet. :( i had a weird dream. freaky weird. really freaky weird. then i went back to sleep. when i woke up, i was crying. demmet. :\ i hate weird dreams.

anyways. i gotta get up early tomorrow to study. sucks. owells. one more day til the term break officially starts for me. that's a good thing, right? yeah.

i still hate appsdev. ang daming aaralin, ang daming reports! jemmet. at least the algocom exam is open notes, open everything. rawr.

i hope tomorrow the sun shines.

da blah

2006-08-19T16:30:00.000+08:00

~* music: sober - jennifer paige
~* mood: pagod at inaantok

puno ng halo-halong inis, saya, lungkot, asar, pagkamuhi, tuwa, at kabangagan ang linggo na ito. hindi ko alam kung san ako magsisimula. ang alam ko lang, masaya ako somehow. keyword: somehow. :p

saturday pala ngayon. sa tuesday finals sa APPSDEV AND ALGOCOM. bwiset. baket kase sa iisang araw nilagay lahat. :s

term end nanaman. in a way masaya ako na it's done. kinakabahan din ako for next term. kinakabahan na naeexcite. ang kulet ko ba. lage ko nalang yun sinasabe. :p hehe

anyways. bakit ako dito nagbablog? ewan ko. di ko alam. haha tagal ko na kasing di nagbablog dito nabubulok na siya. wawa naman. anyways. pink nanaman. hehe. di pa ko nakakagawa ng panibagong template for blogger so...yun. tinatamad pa ko. actually, wala lang akong maisip na song para sa theme. rawr. kaya yun.

so...coffee and dreams. baket coffee and dreams. kase...mahilig ako sa coffee. :D and mahilig ako managinip. haha joke. i believe that dreams are inside coffee cups. basta. hirap explain. yun na yun. haha weird.

ito yung dahilan kung bakit ayaw kitang makita e. ito yung dahilan kung bakit ayaw kitang tingnan. kase alam kong humihigit sa kahit anong damdamin ang pagmamahal.

invisible.

2006-08-02T23:33:00.000+08:00

~* music: invisible - ashlee simpson
~* mood: loathing you

so lately it's been too crazy, seems like nothing's changed at all. see that the light has died out now in my eyes and the happy gasoline has run out on me again. i am in the middle of nowhere, just this straight road leading to somewhere. with my hands on the wheel and you on my mind i look up at the sunless sky where the crescent moon faintly sighs. yes, i am in a mess but i look forward to tomorrow, just as i had for the last three years. i'm making a mess now, doesn't it show? but i'd love to dance with you again. i long to hold you and feel nothing but passion. i long to kiss you and feel myself get lost in your tiny universe where i can't breathe. yes, i still want to feel trapped and dead and not breathing. and after that death i want to rise again, flames lit in glory as i gracefully fall back into reality. i want to fall. i want you to consume me til it hurts, just so that i can start over. go back to the beginning to rise and burn again. burn so deeply that i could taste life. i want to burn. in your arms. in your want. in you.

forecast for 2006

2006-01-02T13:21:00.000+08:00

~* music: runaway - the corrs
~* mood: in love?!

i got this from valen... :)

Leo in 2006

You're not one to acknowledge limitations, Leo, and thus when others sneer about your ambitions, you're more inclined to stubbornly continue to work toward attaining them than to listen to your friends and give up. This year, you just might step over the edge and embrace some goals that most would consider impossible – and you could make a success of them. The resulting boost in your self-confidence could strengthen your love life. Committed Lions will experience a rebirth of romance; the uninvolved will attract it. The effort will, however, take its toll on your stamina if you're not careful. It's important that you stay healthy and not neglect your body. Once you've attained some of your dearest dreams, you'll want to enjoy your good fortune.

i'm so excited for this new year! :)

tagged by rika

2005-12-31T18:22:00.000+08:00

~* music: my grown up christmas list
~* mood: annoyed

Instructions:

1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their Comments saying they've been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, theres no need to post again.

here goes...

1. he should be very sweet. :) very, very sweet.
2. he should have the same musical tastes that i have. :)
3. he should know how to deal with me being mataray and bitchy.
4. he should like to kiss and make out and bite and hug and make lampungan but not in freaking public.
5. height - a little bit taller than me is fine. no going below 5'5"? :p eyes - anything from brown to green to blue. :) haha! :p
6. i'm very expressive. he should understand that. :)
7. he should understand how much i value my family and friends. :)
8. LoVe. enough said. :)

closure

2005-12-31T00:26:00.000+08:00

~* music: kung wala ka - hale
~* mood: melodramatic

i walked down the side of the bay, watching the sun set on the day before new year's eve. people were busy rushing up and down the street and i could feel the lightness of the sky as pink clouds scattered their love on the horizon. today was the end of it all and i could feel the cool breeze calming my soul. the waters below me softly whispered my goodbyes for you, wherever you may be.

i walked down the baywalk, taking each memory of you and raising it up to the sky, up to God. i prayed that the water would wash away everything, all the things this year has brought me. i prayed that the waves would take memories of you and keep them safe in a beautiful place. i will be back for them one day. as for now, i'm taking my heart and living my life so that i may find God again. this year has been terrific. amazing. indescribable.

half of me no longer wishes you were right here with me. instead, i pray for your safety and well-being no matter where you may be. the sun's light is soft upon my skin, reminding my of God's gentle love. the birds on the shore sing happy songs now, as they welcome the new year. i loved you, and this year, i tamed that love. this year, i tamed my heart. this year, i made my heart understand why you were not there. next year, my heart will love again. i may still miss you a lot, but you really don't have to know. your part in my life is over and God has sent me angels to watch over my fragile heart.

last day

2005-12-30T23:56:00.000+08:00

~* music: far away - nickelback
~* mood: melodramatic

tomorrow. in four minutes. in four minutes the last day of the year is born and it will be the day that i'm gonna close this chapter of my life. tomorrow is the last day.

the last i would speak of you.
the last i would hear of you.
the last i would think of you.

the last. last chapter of my life in which you are part of. next year will be different. next year, you shall not exist within my paradigm. next year, there won't be any tears which bear your name on it. next year, you will remain to be a faint memory.

i see the light of the stars as they are ready to shine for me and the world, to shine as a light for the hopeless. i pray that they'd live on and give me strength to face the beautiful new year God has made for us.

two years. those two years have ended and i am left to close the door and walk away. close the door and stay for the night, have a rest and prepare for the journey ahead. mixed emotions fill me as i breathe in this life. emotions like fear, anxiety, excitement, uncertainty. i have faith. i do have faith. things will change. things will change for the better. and i will live like i never lived before. i will love again. i will love again and this time it will be real. even more real than before. there's so much love, i can still feel it in my veins. so next year there will be even more. i shall live to love and give. i shall live to share God's love. witness and share. without you. without my love for you. without memories of you. without you.

this time i've thrown your pictures into the flames so it may burn into the past. this year i moved on even more, walked away more often, lived more often. next year, i won't even have second thoughts of doing so. next year, i'll be ready to take on the sky. i'll be ready to fly away from everything and make a new start.

the sun will shine pretty over the horizon. the clouds will humbly give way to the light. the tears will fall on another day. the laughter won't fade, and all the memories will be woven into another blue blanket.

because this year, i mourned your death. now you are just a ghost i refuse to see. you have finally walked out of my life, you're finally out the door. and now it is time for me to close it. this is goodbye, this is my new journey, this is a new chapter.

freefalling

2005-12-30T21:38:00.000+08:00

~* music: alapaap - six cycle mind
~* mood: bouncy

zomg. i just downloaded three songs from six cycle mind, their version of alapaap, an eraserheads original, and biglaan, both original and acoustic versions. :) i am soooo enjoying their music. must download some more! :)

anyways, i woke up at three thirty today. rawrness. i've been missing a lot of people right now. :( that's sad.

freefalling. yeah. that's what i felt when i thought of you today. and it's been so long since i did feel that way...*sigh* maybe there's jsut something wrong with me today that's why i'm feeling weird. :) harhar. :p

oh yeah and erik hasn't uploaded the pictures yet. rawr?! yeah so that's another thing to look forward to. :) i hope tomorrow's gonna be good cuz it's the last freaking day of the year! :)

just feel better...

2005-12-28T22:23:00.000+08:00

~* music: nobela - join the club
~* mood: melancholic

Just Feel Better - Santana featuring Steven Tyler

She said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If we're coming or I'm going
It's not how I planned it
I've got the key to the door
But it just won't open

after the term ended, i keep thinking what will happen next. i keep thinking that i don't wanna be stuck in this in-between anymore. i wanna live this new year. i wanna live and be happy. even happier than this past year. i'm counting on that so much.

And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don't, I don't, I don't
It goes I never went before
But this time, this time

this time i know that everything's better. i have faith. and God's guidance.

I'm gonna try anything that just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better
And I can't find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I'm a little far from the shore
And I'm afraid of sinking
You're the only one knows me
And who doesn't ignore
That my soul is weeping

i need to be strong on my own. i need to be independent. pratice what i preach. i just hope i could make it...

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have its seasons
Round and round it goes
And every day's a one before
But this time, this time
I'm gonna try anything that just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

Long to hold you in my arms
To all things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It's really getting nowhere
I think I need a little help this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better

And I can't find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

as the new year draws closer, i pray even harder that everything would be alright...that somehow, the stars will align and shine for those who need its light.

i don't blog here much

2005-10-02T01:35:00.000+08:00

find me here...

http://www.livejournal.com/users/kanuharaine/

scattering thoughts

2005-08-07T23:43:00.000+08:00

[:music:] 214 - rivermaya
[:mood :] numb

broken like rain...

i cannot hide what i feel
what i sense in me
that's bursting out
in tears
in laughter
in pain.

i cannot hide the real me
that hates to believe you are gone.
the real me which wishes for dreams
of you at night.

the light,
i cannot hide from it anymore
this is the real me
this is the me that you refuse to see
this is the me you refuse to accept

this is me.
i am broken.

are you happy now?

***

i've scattered them everywhere...because just when i thought i was ok, they broke me into pieces all over again. they wanna prove me wrong. but i wanna prove them wrong.

scattered thoughts

scattering thoughts of you
and me
you
who used to love
me
you who used to care for
me.

but now it's just
me
who's here
standing
crying
lost in the storm that
has become your rage.
your rage that never should
have happened
your rage that
sang along
with the sad songs
on the radio.

scattered thoughts
of the life i lead
the life i loved
the life i thought
i was free.

i was not.

i was captive of your judgement
captive of all the hurtful things
i wish you never said.

i am setting myself free.
i will.
watch me.

how far could i go?

2005-07-09T00:06:00.000+08:00

i can't stop thinking. i'm in a limbo even at the thought of it. i know better but sometimes what i know and what is right isn't enough. i'm trying so hard to get rid of the feeling. just like before it ain't enough. it is never enough to forget it for a while. it'll always come back unless you do something to make it permanently go away.

i'm lost in my thoughts, lost in the storm that became my blanket every night when i sleep. and i dreamt of you, haunting dreams that won't keep you away from me.

i am in a place i do not recognize. i want to get out.

but sometimes even memories can seduce you into staying where you are.

nalulungkot ako.

2005-06-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

[: hymn :] hurt before - the corrs

we've grown too far apart...may pagasa pa ba? may pagasa pa bang bumalik ka? bumalik ang dati nung tayo'y magkasama pa? kailan ka pa anjan para sakin? kung kailan hindi ko na kailangan?

bakit ka nawawala? nasa ibang galaxy ka na ba? kailan ka pa lumipat ng planeta? hindi ka man lang nagpaalam...hindi mo man lang sinabi na lumisan ka na...

best friend. naniniwala ka pa ba sa ganun?

ipagpatawad mo. kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko na kase maramdaman...

i'm so sorry...

yakapin mo ako sa ilalim ng mga bituin

2005-06-24T23:47:00.000+08:00

[:hymn:] waiting to save your life - omnisoul

narito ako dahil hinahanap ko ang kapayapaang hindi ko mahanap.

Nakagapos ako kay Panahon. Nasa kanya kung tatakbo siya o maglalakad, o tatayo lamang at maghihintay. Nadadala lamang ako. Gusto ko nang lumaya. Kailangan ko nang lumaya.

tonight i celebrate the rediscovery of circles. specially my sister phoenix's. you are absolutely right. we are sane. we are sane under the this sky, under these stars where we breathe our poetry and hymns.

her light.

it will shine upon us forever. until the next time this phoenix will fly, i will wait for the moon to leave a song outside my window.

unbroken

2005-05-22T23:25:00.000+08:00

Ayokong maniwala na hangga't wala ka sa buhay ko, magiging malungkot ako at parang di kumpleto ang bawat araw ko. Nasanay na ako na wala ka. Natuto na ako maging masaya kahit wala ka. Ngayon, ayokong bumalik sa dati ang lahat. Ayokong umasa sa munting pagkakaibigan natin dahil alam kong mauuwi lamang ito sa wala. Ayaw ko na magkunwaring panatag ang loob ko sa iyo dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi. Patawarin mo sana ako at sana wag mong isipin na ayaw kitang maging kaibigan. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko. Sa ngayon nga lang, gusto muna kitang lubos na mapatawad bago natin muling itayo ang pagkakaibigan natin. Aaminin ko sa iyo na hindi pa ako handa. Sa ngayon, ayaw ko pa. Ngunit ang lahat ng ito ay nangangahulugan ng malaking bagay para sa akin. Pinapasalamatan kita na hindi mo nakakalimutan ang pagkakaibigan natin. Malaking bagay na yun para sakin. Lubos ang pasasalamat ko sa iyo. Pero wag muna ngayon. Hindi pa ako handa. Sana wag mong masamain. Alam ko na mabuti ang intensyon mo at hindi mo nais na saktan ako muli. Kaya ko rin ito ginagawa. Nawa'y maintindihan mo. Miss na miss na kita, kung alam mo lang. Miss na miss ko na rin yung dati. Pero sa ngayon, masaya na rin ako kahit wala ka. Isang araw siguro magiging ok na tayo. Pero hindi ngayon. Isang araw.

yosi reposted

2005-02-13T00:45:00.000+08:00

lumubog na ang araw at ang naririnig ako na lamang ay ang hampas ng alon sa tabi dalampasigan. nakaupo ako at nakatingin sa malayo, kahit ang kadiliman lang ang natatanaw.

nagsindi ako ng yosi. di ko mapigilan. kailangan ko malibang sa pagiisip. biro mo, isang taon na makalipas nang una kong maramdaman ang pagsalpak ng langit at impyerno sa iisang saglit. kakaiba. malakas ang tama. pero, nakakamatay. hindi ko nga alam kung paano ko ito nalampasan e.

a oo nga pala. yosi. naalala ko pa nung una niyo ako nakitang nagyosi. para kayong nakakita ng multo, sa totoo lang. pero...ok lang sa inyo yun. nasanay rin kayo sa akin. bale wala na nga ata sa inyo kahit sampung yosi ang ibuga ko nag sabay sabay e. pero nakita ko yung tingin mo sa akin...yung kakaiba mong tingin nung nagyosi ako sa harap mo at sa sinisinta mo. yun yung panahon na una mo akong pinakilala sa kanya bilang nakaraan mo. ang pangit. naalala ko pa reaksyon ko nun. bumuga lang ako ng usok ng yosi. yun lang. nakakamanhid pala yung yosi. hehe.

eto ako ngayon, yosi parin ang inaatupag. mula sa dalampasigan naririnig ko ang barkadang nagkukulitan sa inupahan nating cottage. nagtatalo nanaman ata sila sa kakainin para sa hapunan. sa bagay, gutom na rin ako. kumakalam na tiyan ko at wala pa akong nakakain simula nung tanghali. yosi nalang talaga.

hoy baka gusto mo nang kumain..hinihintay ka na nila sa loob...

ay. ikaw pala yun. buga ng usok. oo susunod na ako. tapusin ko lang 'to. sabay tiktik ng stick upang matanggal yung abo. sanay ka na talaga sa katarayan ko.

imbis na iwanan ako, umupo ka sa tabi ko.

ano ba talaga problema? matagal ko nang sinasabi sa iyo na..narito pa rin naman ako para sa iyo bilang kaibigan, hindi ba?

heh. buga ng usok.

lam mo...ang kulit mo rin e. di ba sabi ko sa iyo ok lang ako? just because nagyosi ako doesn't mean may problema.

halatang hindi ka naniwala sa sinabi ko.

lam mo...ok lang na maadik ka e. pero wag lang sana sa isang bagay na nakakamatay. pansin ko kasi na parami na ng parami yung yosi mo sa bawat araw na lumilipas e..

gusto mo malaman ang totoo?

tinitigan mo ako sa mata. sige. titigan tayo.

sa tingin mo bakit ako nagpapakahirap makalimot? sa tingin mo bakit kung ano ano na ginagawa ko sa sarili ko para lang hindi ako magisip? pucha naman. manhid ka ba? o bulag? mahal parin kita.

oo. shit. san nanggaling yun? lasing na ata ako.

tumahimik ka bigla.

so...totoo nga yung sinasabi nila...

inirapan kita sabay buga.

muka ba akong nagloloko? muka bang joke lahat ng ito? di naman ako magkakagulo ng ganito kung hindi e...ina naman o...

sorry...

baket?!

kase... oo tama yan. magtitigan tayo. kinuha mo ang yosi sa kamay ko at hinagis sa malayo layo.

shit! ano ba!

tiningnan mo ako sa mata. tinitigan kita. at di ko na alam kung ano nangyare sunod dahil nalasahan ko na yung yosi sa mga labi mong napakatamis...sa labi mong miss na miss ko nang halikan.

nagyoyosi ka rin? bulong ko nang ika'y bumitaw.

oo...

ang pagibig, ganyan talaga, masaya

2005-02-13T00:34:00.000+08:00

posting this for everyone to see. it's a short story i made on october 20, 2004. comments please! :p oh yeah and the song's related to the story so..un. super ganda nung song kaya ayun..nakagawa ren ako ng short story..hehe..nabasa na to ni ellen...nagcomment na ren siya.. :p

***

i walked around the room..listening to the twilight sounds, the clock ticking, telling me it's one in the morning. pacing in your living room i see pieces of you around..your books, your notes, your guitar..i miss you even more, being intoxicated just by their presence. i hear you shuffling your feet as you come down the stairs...

i ask you if they're asleep.

you say yes. kanina pa.

i nod in return.

i avoid your gaze coz i know it hurts. it's too gravitational. i can't breathe while looking at you.

i say good night. matutulog na ako. you say alright. i go upstairs and pass the guest room. everyone's asleep.

i enter the other room and find a bed made for me. i smile at the thought of you fixing it for me. looking out the window i hear the neighbors playing some opm song.

Ang pag-ibig, ganyan talaga
'Pag bago pa ang pag-ibig
Ganyan talaga, masaya

i sit on the bed and can't help think about everything that happened. memories flood my head and i find myself teary eyed. i hear you outside the door. next thing i know you're taking my hand, lifting me up into an embrace. you hold my like you're never gonna let go..and i go weak again.

i'm sorry, i hear you whisper in my ear. i'm silent for a few seconds. i look at you.

im not..i smile through the tears. i could see the tiny lights in your eyes despite the darkness. i don't want to fall. i can't possibly fall. coz i know you won't catch me...

you look at me in that weird/funny/sweet way and through my tears i can see your sincerity, i can see that you care. and it breaks down this wall i have, this mistrust i have for you. it breaks everthing in me i thought was strong.

you wipe away my tears and tell me i'm pretty when i smile. and so i do. i look at you and it feels like i'm locked in this state forever. then there's the gravity.

i'm fighting this want to kiss you. the way you linger inches away is killing me. i wanna make you feel how much i love you. i wanna hold you and not let go. i wanna give you everything even if i have no idea what that everything meant.

right now is a moment i wanna be in forever. right now is my heaven. though it pains me to know you're never gonna be mine, even in this moment i want you to know how much i love you. how much i wanna be with you, by your side, just there, holding your hand.

please stay..

i'm crying on your shoulder and i know you don't mind. you find me funny and i smile through my tears.

i will. i promise..

i hold your hand. i know everything's gonna be alright.

ang pag-ibig, ganyan talaga. masaya.

~*~

Ako'y malungkot na naman
Amoy chico na ako
Ilang tagay na, hindi pa rin tulog
Tanong ko lang sa langit
Kung bakit pumangit

Ang dating masaya
Ngayo'y panay problema
Bumabalot sa mundo
Bakit ganito...

Ang pag-ibig, ganyan talaga
'Pag bago pa ang pag-ibig
Ganyan talaga, masaya

Pagkagising ko
Nakita ko si Juan
Na siyang adik sa aming lugar
Parang droga daw ang bisa
Na ginamit nya kanina
Sa una lang daw masarap

Ang pag-ibig, ganyan talaga
Ako'y nilamon ng pag-ibig
Ganyan talaga, masaya
~ masaya, bamboo

paradigm shift

2005-02-03T22:50:00.000+08:00

[:music:] naked - avril lavigne
[:mood :] depressed but thankful

it's been around three weeks since i updated mah pretty little blog! there's been so much stuff that's been going on and i'm pretty much happy with it. :)

academically i'm doing well, i'm proud to say. i haven't failed a single quiz/test/assignment since the start of the term and yup, i'm super happy about that. syanad2 is good, andrea joined our group coz hers got dissolved and vangie did not enroll coz of some stuff. anyways there...everything is sort of going well..we're starting to program the system thingy already and i'm kind of excited to see the final outcome. :) dbapdev is fun! i have erik, gino and thirdy as my groupmates and well, we dohave fun doing all the dbapdev stuff. :) erik and i got to know each other even more and i'm really thankful for that. kewl. objectp is...weird. haha! we've got cisco now and this week was cisco exam week. :p my scored so far were 72.3, 74.6, 84.0, and 59.3 *chapters one to four respectively* and yeah..the fourth one sucked coz i wasn't able to review the chapter that i read like days ago. heh. at least i still got my average above 70 which is the passing score. anyways, anmath1...man i never thought anmath1 could be this fun! :p i actually understand 90% of everything so far and i even got a 87% on our first quiz! yipeee!!!

yeah well i sound like a total academic freak coz there's nothing else i can put my mind to. seriously! i've been so determined to get this thing straight that well..i guess it's pulling through. :p

hey there's this gig thing in st. scho on the 12th and kitchie nadal, bamboo and spongecola are gonna be there as far as from what i heard. :)

so there. basically that's it. that's the happy side of it. :) *happy!!!*

hindi na maibabalik

2005-01-12T21:41:00.000+08:00

[:music:] silence..
[:mood :] random shit

okay inaamin ko hinahanap ko parin siya. naiinis parin ako...minsan kapag nakikita ko siya at di kami nagpapansinan. nakakatuwa. nakakatawa. ano ba yan. tama ba naman itong nangyayare? oo masaya ako na maayos na buhay ko. pero ang punto ay namimiss ko yung dating bonding...dating kulitan at dating lambingan. masaya e...kahit magkaibigan lang. sobrang saya. ewan ko ba kung bakit kailangan mawala yun. ewan ko kung bakit nagiba nalang siya makalipas yung summer. nagiba siya. nagiba trato niya sakin. nawala lahat nung saya. pumalit yung galit, selos, poot, at lahat lahat na ng kaguluhan. tapos..nawala. nawala na ang paguusap, nawala na ang pagkakaibigan, nawala na yung pagmamalasakit. nawala lahat. ang lungkot no? malungkot na masakit...na di ko man lang napaglaban o naayos yung pagkakaibigan namin. malungkot na kailangan ganito para umayos buhay ko.

kung bakit kinailangan namin saktan ang isa't isa...

:(

nalulungkot ako. kahit ok ako na wala siya. nalulungkot parin ako...dahil noon ginusto ko maging kaibigan niya, ginusto ko maging super close kami. ginusto ko siyang maintindihan. ang ganda kase nung pakiramdam na ganun e. pero wala. nagkasala ako. nagkasala siya. at nawala lahat. sayang. sayang ang pagkakaibigan. pero hindi ko maisalba dahil hindi pa nawawala yung sakit na dinulot ng lahat nun sakin. wala akong magawa dahil manhid na ko sa sobrang sakit.

kaya ngayon..eto nalang. eto na ang kinatatayuan ko ngayon. buhay pa ko. at kakayanin ko yung lungkot na wala ka...yung lungkot na may nawala sa akin. sayang no? wala na ko magagawa. nandito na ko. hindi na maibabalik ang nakaraan. hindi na maibabalik yung dati.

random nothingness

2005-01-03T03:02:00.000+08:00

it's three am on a monday. in a couple of days i'm gonna be going back to gokonghell and see the tired sleepless eyes of those who wander around its halls. dang...and i said i'm gonna leave this behind?

i was pretty certain that i was gonna transfer schools until i took a peek on the sample tuition fees of the other school *no not theotherschooltenmilesawayfromhere ya moron* and saw that it was around ten thousand bucks greater than the tuition fee in my current school. now why am i talking about it? nothing. i had nothing to talk about.

for i writer whose work got published on a cheesy *sorry* high school lit folio i must suck. i haven't written a decent poem in months *yes months, not years*. what the heck is happening to me anyways? maybe it's the christmas season without the christmas spirit. plus all the pressure i got last term. sucks.

i have a headache now. i need to sleep. but when i lay down on my bed i can't go to sleep. there terribly must be something wrong with me.

lust.

something that's been playing in my mind for a couple of months now. nah don't worry i'm not getting laid anytime soon. :p

passion.

i'm looking for my passion. aside from a bunch of other things i'm looking for..

compassion.

does anyone honestly have compassion nowadays?

regret.

no time for that now.i still stand by my word that i'm gonna change for the better.

hope.

one thing i need more of. and sunshine. :p

God.

He's there. watching. waiting. like i am. i'm still counting on what you said, dude.

*rubs her eyes*

Gebo, Sowelu, Laguz.

i need to sleep.

happy new year!

2004-12-31T19:12:00.000+08:00

[:music:] love makes the world go round - ashlee simpson
[:mood :] masaya

Ross is currently debating with me about my new year's resolutions. okay okay so i've been a little bit farfetched and desperate but i want you guys to know that i desperately need this change. man this is my life and i wanna make it this time. i don't wanna screw up anymore. :p

don't worry, i won't be doing all those stuff all at the same time. i ain't no super human. :p

anyways it's my gramma's birthday also today so..happy birthday mah!! :) i love you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE! GOOD LUCK IN THE COMING YEAR AND GOD BLESS US ALL!!!

new year's resolutions!

2004-12-31T02:24:00.000+08:00

[:music:] breathless - the corrs
[:mood :] positive

new year's resolutions.

lemme list them down before i explain.

A .BASIC STUFF *about me*

1. sleep early thus waking up early
2. stop procrastinating
3. study everyday *how noble of me haha!*
4. wash the dishes and clean my room regularly *schedule every

sunday for clean up time*
5. online time everyday: 30 minutes only unless necessary
6. make a definite schedule for my everyday routine *that i

will do when i get my final schedule after enrollment*
7. blog only important things/events :p
8. save up at least 50 bucks everyday
9. read a book at least three chapters a day
10. read PDL everyday
11. pray the rosary everyday
12. stop making pintas
13. go to the library every friday after class, borrow a book and READ IT.
14. make a book review of the book i read
15. love me for me..:p

B. FAMILY

1. appreciate them more
2. love more
3. show them that i care
4. show them how much they mean to me
5. smile.
6. give them a hug or embrace at the end of the day
7. say "i love you"

C. FRIENDSHIP

1. listen to people
2. be there for them
3. start my sentences with "you" and not "i"
4. genuinely care
5. stop bitching out on people who annoy me
6. stop hating *or at least try*
7. always help
8. do my best to be the best *friend that is*
9. accept people for what they are
10. make new friends *challenge to para sakin ah!*

D. LOVE

1. appreciate the people who love me
2. acknowledge that love exists
3. really, it does..
4. believe that things will go my way
5. learn from PDL that one must love unconditionally and without asking for anything in return. :)
6. MOVE ON BUT KEEP THE GOOD PARTS. :) *ika nga ni stellar*
7. stop being a sucker *in general na rin*

OTHER THINGS.. :)

1. detach myself from all the memories
2. i should know better by now.
3. again, move on but keep the good parts. :)
4. let him go. one and for all. :p
5. don't go online just to see if he's online..gawd..
6. stop checking his blog...like everyday...
7. stop thinking of him
8. erase all his messages on my phone before 12 am new year's day..
9. stop thinking of what might have been if only..
10. love myself and stop pitying myself
11. stop making me feel bad
12. let it all go, just let it all go and believe i can make it
13. don't talk unless necessary

bottomline is i want change and i'm making it possible. i may sound a little bit too harsh but hey. no pain, no gain. recently people have been affected by the sudden change of my attitude and i'm kinda doing a renovating thing so sorry if i'm acting weird..

before this year ends i wanna say sorry to all the people i've hurt in one way or another. i'm sorry for all the bad times. i'm sorry for hurting your feelings or abused our friendship. i'm sorry for being a coward, for not being able to be strong enough to accept my mistakes and learn from them.

i also wanna thank *naks celeb ba haha* all my family and friends for being there for me. thanks for all the fun times we've shared, for the times you picked me up when i was down. i wanna thank ellen, pearl and rika who stuck with me for the past few terms...thanks for all the memories..good luck on all endeavors..specially to rika. you're appreciated, even if you may not notice. :p

jane...i miss you so much...i can't possibly express how much i miss you...it's been months since we last saw each other..i know you're doing alright..i know we're making it in college without each other but i want you to know that i will always be here no matter what. one day we will be together again. i don't know when but i know we will. i miss you so much.

myk..there's nothing left to say..even if i know there's so much more i wanna know..i know there's nothing you want to tell me so..i'll keep it at that. i still believe that there's a reason but i'll stop at not knowing what it is. thank you. for everything. i hope you can find what you're looking for.

no hard feelings. it may sound like goodbye but we both have to understand that it's for the best. i'll always be here for you as a friend. i hope that by now you realize that.

i'm doing all of this not only for me but also for the greter glory of God. yes, i will go to church every sunday morning take note since i will be waking up early. :) right now i'm excited about this change..about the new year. not to mention the party later tonight. hehe..:p well it's 2:21 am on decenber 31, 2004 and well...what can i say? this year rocked my socks. i am so thankful for all the blessings me and my family have recieved, the house, the car, everything. i'll keep that in mind for the coming year. thanks to the one up above for all the miracles and for keeping the faith in me.

if you guys think there's a few things missing in my list please don't hesitate to post a comment. :)

happy new year!!!

one day to go...

2004-12-31T01:11:00.000+08:00

and it's new year once again...how time flies...

oh well i changed the look of this blog coz i wanted to start using this again. :)

ain't it pretty?? i like it...i'll be posting a more serious post later regarding my new year resolutions...:p

haha right now i just feel soooo bored i'm answering some surveys in friendster. well anyways do post a comment and let me know what you think, alright? :p

[edit] this ain't done yet but at least it looks decent enough to show you guys...

minsan

2004-12-26T22:33:00.000+08:00

umaasa.

minsan

nawawalan ng pag-asa.

minsan

nawawalan na ng

pag-ibig.

tuyo ang lupa

parang may hinahanap pero wala.

tigang na lupa. at umaaraw parin.

hinahanap ko ang init ng araw na magdadala sakin sa langit.

gusto ko parin malasing sa loob ng iyong halik....

tequila sunrise

2004-12-26T02:22:00.000+08:00

tequila - An alcoholic liquor distilled from the fermented juice of the Central American century plant Agave tequilana

sunrise - The event or time of the daily first appearance of the sun above the eastern horizon

***

hope. it means there is hope for me in the coming year. there is a cure for this sickness, there is life after this. i can stand after i fall. coz i've been here before and i'm only coming back to prove that i can make it. there's so much more room for improvement and i am looking forward to that change in my life.

The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting him when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving him when he seems distant.

God is real no matter how you feel.

i have to trust in that and believe..that no matter how depressed i feel, no matter how alone i feel, no matter how many friends leave me behind, there is still a God that will be there to hold me and share in my pain, if not take it away. there's so much more for me to learn in this life and i wanna learn it through Christ. i wanna go back to where i started and that's from God.

my life has been full of...potholes of pain and bitterness and i wanna fill it up with a more than just a temporary cure of false hope and lies. i wanna feel whole despite the things i don't have.

one day i'm gonna see my dad and i'm gonna make him proud. i'm gonna show him what he's missed half of his life. :p

lately i've realized so many things about me that i have to change and instead of being mad at those people who shoved it in my face and made me realize, i'm glad they told me coz it's a wake up call for me and i am seriously wanting this change. i'm glad that even if i feel so alone right now...there's still people who care. and i see God in them. that's what totally rocks. that i see the hope that God brings.

looking forward to the sunrise... :)

God is real no matter how you feel.

under the stars

2004-12-23T15:38:00.000+08:00

"Stay" - Lisa Loeb

You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.
And I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you.
Yeah yeah, I missed you.
And you say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard,
don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.
So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
lover's in love, and the other's run away,
lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.
Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
Well, well, this is not that;
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
You try to tell me that I'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.
You said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.
Yeah, I miss you.
You said, "I caught you 'cause I want you and one day I'll let you go."
You try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just
scared to lose.
And you say, "Stay."
And you say I only hear what I want to.

so much for my happy ending

2004-10-31T11:49:00.000+08:00

i'm not gonna be posting anything here for a long time...i'm also thinking of deleting this though i've written a lotta stuff...

i just wanna say thanks for ruining everything. thanks for popping into our lives and just taking away the only thing that made my life meaningful in gokongwei. thanks for all the lies, it almost made me believe, though. you've practically got everything and you just had to take him too. well thanks anyway.

anyways, goodbye for now. i'm gonna miss this blog. you know where to find me. i know you do.

i'll always love him. but right now i'm thinking that it wasn't me who threw it all away. it was him. it's his loss, not mine. go catch your falling star. i hope she loves you the way i do.

~ wag ka magalala...hindi ikaw yung panakip butas. hindi ikaw yung pampalipas oras niya. nagawa ko na yang tungkulin ko sa kanya noon.

random poem. sucks.

2004-10-30T01:00:00.000+08:00

[:music:] somewhere in between - lifehouse
[:mood :] sleepy..

pretty butterfly tears
stinging my eyes
find my peace as i walk away
and find God
instead i find you
the pain you bring
each time i look and see
the love you have for her
breaks me
into pieces
on the chapel floor
where i cried and no one
could hear me
except for God
whom i thought
would make things better for me
for you
for everything i thought
we had.
i lost.
i lost a lot
and in this time
i cannot bear to see
what i've lost
and what she thinks
she hasn't found.
this deity of darkness
cries for everything
for the love that no one
could ever understand,
for the love that no one
even bothered to care for
and so it died along with me.
when i tried to resurrect
even more shadows led me on
to the lies you created
to make me believe
that you were there
even if you never were.
these tears shall be frozen in time
with you as a reason
for everything i believed in
for the love i lived for
the love that you never returned
for the love you killed
those white doves on the bridge
i crossed today.

remember how you slaughtered my white doves? the one that became my hope, my strength, my peace...remember when you led me on to think that hope was everything at the moment. remember that someone whom you promised to be there for even after the rain. remember me.

when all your lies become the truth

2004-10-28T22:39:00.000+08:00

She's got a pretty smile it covers up the poison that she hides
She walks around in circles in my head waiting for a chance to take me a
Chance to break me a chance to take me down now i see this burden you gave me is too much to
Carry too much to bury inside i guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one left standing when everything else goes down
You're still the only one, you're still the only one
It's all shallow and all so appealing I'm up to my ankles and i'm drowning
Anyway in a sea of sarcastic faces familiar places where everything looks
Quite the same here it's all confusingly amusing bitter and tainted
The picture you painted to me i guess you're the only one that nobody changes i guess you're
The only one left standing when everything else goes down you're still the only one
Who will never change faces i guess you're the only one left standing
When everything else goes down just 'cause it's all in your head
Doesn't mean it has to be in mine don't believe what you said still can't get it out of my mind
I've tried to find myself in approval i've already been there already done that it got me nowhere
It brought me nothing but a good place to hide in no one to confide in now
I guess you're the only one that nobody changes i guess you're the only one who will never
Change faces i guess you're the only one
~lifehouse, only one

ever wondered why lies can lead to the truth?

bulong ng ilaw sa kalsada sa gabi

2004-10-26T22:39:00.000+08:00

naiinis parin ako sa kanya ngunit nagpipigil nalang ako. nakahinga naman ako kaninang hapon nang tumambay ako sa gox. halos wala na kasing tao nung sinundo ako...nakapagisip ako at...mejo nawala galit ko. nakita ko yung buwan. sa labas kasi ako naghintay ng sundo. tapos yung ilaw ng kalsada...ang ganda. manilaw nilaw na parang ginto...at ang buwan na namumutla...nakikipagdebate ang isipan ko sa aking puso...hindi ko maiwasang isipin na purong kasinungalingan lamang ang lahat ng ito. masakit, natural, pero...kailangan ko maniwala muli..kung gusto kong maibalik ang dati kong tiwala sa kanya. mahirap, pero gagawin ko.

miss na miss ko na siya. miss ko an siyang kausapin sa ym sa gabi...yung aabot kami ng alas dos ng umaga...miss ko a siyang batiin sa umaga na may kasamang yakap, miss ko na siyang titigan habang gumagawa ng project sa tambayan...miss ko na siyang makatabi...miss ko nang hawakan yung kamay niya..kase..wala lang. miss ko na siyang ihatid sa klase niya...miss ko na maramdaman yung yakap niyang sobrang higpit...miss ko na yung paglalambing niya sakin..at gayon din ako sa kanya...higit sa lahat miss ko an siyang mahalin nang walang halong galit at hinanakit...miss na miss na kita. kung alam mo lang.. :(

ang hirap kapag gusto mo ipakita sa kanya yung nararamdaman mo..pero hindi pwede...dahil nariyan ang ibang taong mambabastos ng kung ano mang sagrado mong dinadala sa araw araw, ang pagibig mong hindi kasing laki ng mundo, ngunit maliit lamang, na minamaliit ng iba, pero para sa iyo...yun na yung buhay mo e..ang hirap pigilan ang nararamdaman ko. at gusto ko iparamdam sa iyo. duguan na kamay ko sa pagpipigil.

God has his ways

2004-10-25T21:38:00.000+08:00

[:music:] stole - kelly rowland
[:mood :] good

i think i need to post this here too..it's kinda...i dunno..it goes with the white theme thing...*er?!?!* :p

i'm feeling as if history is repeating itself and i can't help but get caught in the tidal wave. feels good to feel better. yeah, these hellish mood swings are getting the better of me and i can't let that happen now. not when i still got a chance to make things better.

i talked to jane earlier *online!!* and we were talking about..the stuff i've been going through for the past few days. she says i've been thinking too much and it's just all mood swings that the people around me should not be taking too seriously *jane knows me so well...:p i miss her...i miss the way she knows what's going on in me when i haven't got a clue or when i'm lost*...she knows better than to be annoyed at me whenever i attempt to bitch out on her. funny coz we like..have the same astrological signs yet she understands me..usually two people of the same signs like...repel or something...instead jane compliments my being emotional and stuff. she compliments my walking on cloud nine coz she's one down to earth person who's got a sensible head on her shoulders. i love that girl. :) *wow what is this? testimonial time?* anyways, it's really fun to know that someone knows you so well despite the time and distance. it's so comforting to know that someone still knows you...coz...it's just so frustrating that the people who stick to you everyday don't see what's beyond that imperfection...it's just so sad that they can't dig any further just because of some stupid misconception. i mean, really...is it that easy to give up on someone? ok maybe i'm wrong to be comparing them to jane...coz jane is my bestfriend but still...these people i care about are the only ones i have when i'm about to break down into shit and i don't think they'd give a damn if i do. it's so frustrating at the same time it makes me appreciate the other people in my life more.

i can't help but think...does it really have to be this way? that there's this invisible glass ceiling that's keeping us from soaring to the sky? does it have to be this way? that there's a limit to the height that we can fly?

right now i'm just so thankful that i still have jane, krystle, sheena and sam with me. coz if it weren't for them, i'd probably have killed myself by now. they're the only constant things in my life right now and that's the only thing i'm holding on to. coz everything else is faltering. there isn't much hope, but i'm hanging on. coz krystle was right. when this hate turns into love, it'll be the greatest thing.

i'll be waiting. i'll be waiting for all this to turn back into God's love. i'm counting on that.

bitter

2004-10-25T11:00:00.000+08:00

ripped this from unpretty's blog...i like it...

In my heartsent my confession my condolence,
You're indefinite you're incompetent inconsiderate.
You're so childish,
I will push you out of what is real out of my head.
You can stick and drown at your residence of dissapointments,
Are of yours to come.
So embrace them oh my shallow one today,
If I could change anything then I would change everything.
These bitter days shall remain.
I don't ask for your forgiveness I don't care much for your actress.
That's just you though shallow and selfish.
So I go now oh my hollow one today.
If I could change anything then I would change everything.
These bitter days shall remain.
So carry your blues behind your eyes,
Don't flatter yourself I will survive.
So carry your blues your own denial.
Your feathers are gone you'll never fly.
If I could change anything,
Then I would wipe the years away.
If I could change anything,
Then I would wipe the years away.
If I could change anything,
Then I would change everything.
These bitter days shall remain.
Since you're gone I'm much better than you.
So carry your blues behind your eyes,
Don't flatter yourself I will survive.
So carry your blues your own denial.
Your feathers are gone you'll never fly.
She'll never fly.
~ bitter, nine days

sunshine

2004-10-24T11:25:00.000+08:00

[:music:] better off - ashlee
[:mood :] hungry

so what? i'm better off everyday, when i'm standing in the pouring rain, i think of you and everything's alright...

one thing i have to remember. nakakapagod rin mainis. i mean, really. that's why this week i have to put all my feelings aside coz it's midterms week and i can't let them get into mah nerves, right? i've screwed up three out of four terms and i can't let that happen again.

kahapon i saw them kahit sabi niya di siya papasok kasi she's not feeling well. ok lang. ano pa ba magagawa ko? wala. eh yun. la na yun. kung masama man loob ko kahapon yun. ngayon? heh. nakakasawa na mainis eh hindi naman nirerecognize na naiinis ka so..yun. sayang lang energy mo. hay. lintek. yang introdb pala namin..yun na rin gagawin namin sa java-01! magsusuggest na nga rin ako kay sir kung pwede yun na rin yung isubmit para isang project lang gagawin da ba? la lng.

anyways, it's sunday again..and i can't wait til christmas. maybe i just need a break from them. ang weird kasi..pag di ko siya nakikita hinahanap ko. pag anjan gusto ko hagisan ng kung ano mang mabigat na bagay. haha! weird.

bakit sunshine yung title ng post ko? kase...ayan. maaraw e. saka...despite all the !@#$^&* i'm feeling, umaaraw parin. parang...sinasabi sakin na despite all the hardships i'm gonna be happy again. weird no? wala lang. maybe i should stop caring nalang about it..about them. bahala na. ayoko kasi ng ganun. yung nagpipigil sila just because masasaktan ako. pakshet. duh! e di maging kayo, kung gusto niyo, di yung magpipigil na ewan..nakakirita e. lumalabas tuloy na ako yung kontrabida. bleh! whatever! *hindi ako galet promise.* wala lang share ko lang. :p

ayun..kakain na raw kami. lech nmn gusto ko pa magdrama e. wahahaha..basta you get the point. pipigilan ko magalit. masama yun e. :p *besides, la nmn ako ryt magalit e*

life is a road i wanna keep going

2004-10-20T21:46:00.000+08:00

[:music:] senti stuff from kitel and eunice
[:mood :] senti nga e..

after everything that happened in the past few days i came to realize that i have to have more faith in the real things around me. these emotions tht try to break me are merely that--emotions. i should be stronger than that. i should know how to be grounded on what's real and what's merely concluded by the eyes.

it feels sad and at the same time serene that i have come to see the difference between what is real and what is just an illusion created by my overactive brain. i've finally seen the dark and i'm leaving the place of hate. i'm beginning to see God's point in all this. i'm beginning to realize that i am stronger than these emotions and that i have to transcend all pain.

communication works wonders for two people. svet and i had quite a long conversation and i'm glad that we talked about things i never thought i could talk about to her. :) i'm finding my trust in her again and it's good to be back in good terms with her.

i have to trust again. i have to believe the sincerity he has and i'm finding it really hard. i'm finding it hard coz it hurts me to know that i lost my trust in you when i'm not supposed to. i'm hanging on to this faith.

genuine friendship is built on disclosure.

and i believed in the light after dark. :) now's the time to fly. *and no, i won't be leaving anyone behind. :)*

friends (a must read. promise.)

2004-10-17T20:01:00.000+08:00

[:music:] losing grip - avril lavigne
[:mood :] okay

[note] i know this is terribly long, but hey. i mean every word. must read specially for svet. ;)

The Purpose Driven Life Chapter 11: Becoming Best Friends With God

funny how the chapter had something to do with friendship..last night was the weirdest night of my life..come to think of it, a similar incident happened around last school year this time concerning jason and at that time his attitude.
well anyways what really happened last night was far more complicated. i was talking to sheena and ellen over yahoo messenger while creating this really cool wallpaper when svet messaged me saying she knew i was mad at her and that she was sorry though she knew not the reasons why i "hated" her so much. i tried to pretend not to be mad, saying there wasn't any reason to be but she got disconnected so she called me on my cell phone. i answered it and to my surprise she was crying to me over the phone i was like, "what the hell is going on, why are you crying?!" then she tells me she was sorry for whatever she had done wrong and i was huh?? then she tells me "i read your blog. the red one." [my ever loving deadjournal] right then i felt like the world stopped spinning. i was speechless. there was dead air for like..more than ten seconds. finally i blurted out "you read that?" she said "yeah.." and i was like..ggrrr..."you weren't supposed to read that dammit!" then she told me how she managed to stumble upon the journal *won't tell you how--my fault anyways* and how she managed to read my hate post about her (not meant for her read though). so i felt like my world was tumbling down on me again..i thought she knew everything. by everything i mean the things i've been deliberately keeping from her since we became friends. yes this concerns a lot more than what she does think, i know. i asked her what else did she read and somehow it was weird coz even though my dj is like the dead giveaway to my spo called secrets, she still has no idea about them. or so she says. whatever the case may be, i don't know..i still haven't thought about it yet.
anyways, after quite a long talk..well not really long coz most of it was dead air..she proposed something to me. she said that she'd tell me everything and in return i'd tell her everything. come to think of it things weren't this complicated with other people i've tried to befriend. anyways, i thought about it. i told her i'd think about it after all the academic shit goes away. pearl and ellen kept nagging me to tell svet everything and i just didn't know what to do.
so there. that was basically it. this is what's bugging me right now. to tell her or not to tell her. people keep saying that she is my friend and she is involved and that she should understand what i'm gonna tell her but like 99% of me is telling me to get a grip on myself, shut up and try to be at peace with myself, if not pretend to be okay.

what can i say? it's hard. at times i do wanna tell her but...something's telling me not to. first i guess because i'm the one who's gonna look utterly stupid for saying what i have to say. it's not right. it's not nice to hear from someone like me. i don't want this out in the open. it's an old issue that needs to die fast coz it's ruining my relationship with svet. it's ruining me. and i have to get a grip before i go insane. this thing is just a fruit of what's been going on lately, from what sheena has been saying..our talk last friday really cleared my mind and emotions on what i really feel. and i didn't like it at all. it's not nice to be feeling this way towards someone who has nothing against me and who hasn't done anything wrong to me.

doesn't this just suck? yeah. and so i go reading the chapter on purpose driven life hoping to find a little light in this darkness that i'm in right now. i keep telling myself not to hate anyone anymore...to stop it..coz i'm pushing people away by doing so..and it's not good. i've lost him as it is and i don't wanna lose him as a friend too. and i don't wanna lose svet either. yeah you heard that right. despite how much i'm annoyed at her..she still means something to me. we may not be that close...but the fact that she shed tears in the name of our friendship, it means a lot to me. not even my best friend did that for me. or at least i think so.

thinking this all over i'm s tempted to just let it all out and be honest...i'm tired of living a lie. i'm tired of all these secrets i'm hiding, all this hate, all this confusion. i just wanna be free. and that's why i am seeking God's help again. and yes, he managed to give me a few hints.

as i said, the chapter was all about being friends with the Lord. the first step or way to do so was through constant conversation. the first person i thought of when i read that was svet. i remembered how we weren't talking to each other lately and how we were keeping things from each other. it led me to the real meaning of friendship..the real essence of it, and it's far from what svet and i have...despite the fact that we do care about each other, there's still a lot of holding back because of issues about myself that she wants to know about. i'm beginning to see that this is how much she cares and i don't wanna break that. it just isn't right.

a line that struck me in the segment was this: the key to friendship with God...is not changing what you do but changing your attitude toward what you do. what you normally do for yourself, you begin doing for God... it reminds me so much about the first thing i ever learned from this book and that is to love unconditionally. love without asking anything for return. this is how i could transcend the pain and see things in a different way.

another way to be God's best friend was through continual meditation. lately i've been thinking too much and i think i've been meditating on the wrong things again. i feel like the negative side of things are starting to get the better of me again and it's about time i get hold of them. coz chances are, when they win over me, i'm not only gonna tear myself apart, but also those who care.
in this situation anyone would say that this sucks. i'd definitely agree. but sometimes i need to see the better side of things, like my growing friendship with svet. i have to remember my reason why i befriended her in the first place. i have to remember why i made her my friend. and i have to remember that no matter how simple our friendship may be, it means a lot to her. coz she values her friends a lot. and hey, i'm one of them, ain't i?

no matter how much i debate with myself i know i'm gonna end up deciding not to tell her. but hey, who knows. things change. they really really really do. i may have faltered when i started to change but i know i can get through this. God is watching over me and we do have faith in each other. i haev faith in Him that he'd guide me in this and he's got faith in me that i could make it.

know what? these are the best words i've ever heard for the past few days.
i want to thank you for all the good times we shared...most especially nung last term ng first year...i won't ever forget that...in case you didn't know that i really appreciate you....in case you didn't know how much i value that things we shared..i guess i wasn't able to tell you that..

svet, i'm sorry. sorry for bitching out on you even if i know for a fact that you did nothing wrong. as much as possible i'm trying to keep that in mind. i'm very very sorry for hurting you..i didn't think that this would hit you real hard...and yeah, thanks so much for appreciating our friendship like this...no one ever ever did that for me..well, what can i say, you're one of a kind. :) hope this friendship lsts longer. i know, it's been my fault..but hey..i;'m trying to change, ain't i? thanks again for being there. it does mean a lot..i've never met anyone who's like really into a friendship like this. thanks. you're a gift of God. :)

wala lang.

2004-10-15T10:51:00.000+08:00

[:music:] game of love - santana and michelle branch
[:mood :] erm. weird.

si ellen nakalimutan kung ano ibablog...ako naman d ko malaman kung ano ibablog ko...haha wala lang. :p

hm. iniisip ko yung sinabi ni pearl sakin kagabi...iniisip ko yung jprizal...ang dami kasing thoughts na na nastimulate sa brain ko sa discussion namin today. wala lang.

ayun. yung sinabi ni pearl. sabi niya..sabihin ko na raw. sabi ko ayoko pa..hindi ko siya mareach..at hangga't hindi ko siya mareach. hindi ko sasabihin. hangga't hindi siya nagpapakatotoo sa akin hindi ko sasabihin. hangga't naaasar ako sa kanya hindi ko sasabihin. hmp.

wala lang. bat kase ganun..konting isip ko lang sa kanya naaasar ako...hmp!! sabi ko magiging masaya na ko ngayon e. masaya naman ako..kase di ko pa siya nakikita ngayon araw na to..maya maya..ayan na. hm.

weekend na tomorrow. sabe nila may symposium whatever bukas yung IT thing...ewan basta...titingnan ko..gusto ko nga pumasok e..as far as i know kasama nga kami dun. basta. hehe saya.

ayun..sabe nila next year wala nang IT-IST..sabi nila ibang program na iooffer sa mga frosh...ano ba toh? bumababa na ba yung level ng ccs? o tumataas? anung mas maganda? yung amin o yung kanila? wala lang. changes nga naman. parang life.

*sabi po ni val ICT..ung isang val that is*

hm. sabi ko kay ellen *na katabi ko lang ngayon* miss ko na pumuntang sports..tapos tumambay..tapos magisip..tapos..wala lang..hm.

alam mo yung naiinis ka to the point na naiiyak ka na..wala lang...ayan natuwa sakin si ellen..hehe. er..walang kwentang post toh!! dhammet!! :p

*galit*

can you save me from myself?

2004-10-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

[:music:] on the way down - ryan cabrera
[:mood :] down.

there was an earthquake yesterday of intensity 4-5 and i t kinda really freaked me out like..er..the chimes were going wild..

yesterday kinda meant something to me i don't know why...october 8..what's with? dunno. had my right ear pierced and..what else? well for me it meant something. it's an unneccessary pain which i chose to keep. it's like loving and transcending the pain. loving unconditionally and chosing to be happy despite the pain and the emptiness. transcending all of it so that i'll be up there instead, content with everything i have. :)

anyways, i went to school today for the syanad report which we were able to pull of with much grace *and she said we were prepared? damn what more if we really were?!* heh. kewl. anyways, i saw myk, ross, nathan and amiel hehe boylets!! haha joke.. nga pala, nagtatampo ako kay myk! *ya hear that?* ayaw nya manood ng shark tale!! haha joke..ok lng yun nuh..i unnerstend.

damn these mood swings are killing me! pahirap..hay. iba na talaga. wala lang. ayan wala na ko makuwento.

light after dark. :) woke up witht he sun shining. for a moment there i thought you'd come and give me a chance..turns out i was wrong again.

but things will change coz i've got faith that it will. one day.

*thinking of changing my ashes fall layout...watcha think?*

holding on to you

2004-10-08T14:06:00.000+08:00

[:music:] on the way down by ryan cabrera
[:mood :] mixed emotions

lost for words. heh. pics nalang.

this reminds me of laguna..nung morning pag labas ko ang ganda ganda nung sikat ng araw...parang ganito..tapos..ang lamig ng hangin kahit nakatapat na ako sa araw..

Sick and tired of this world
There's no more air
Tripping over myself, going nowhere
Waiting, suffocating, no direction
I took a dive and

On the way down
I saw you, and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

Been wondering why it's only me
Have you always been inside waiting to breathe
It's alright, sunlight on my face
I wake up and yet, I'm alive 'cuz

On the way down
I saw you, and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

I was so afraid of going under
But now, the weight of the world
Feels like nothing, nothing
You're all I wanted
You're all I needed
You're all I wanted
You're all I needed

And I won't forget the way you loved me
All that I wanted, all that I needed and now

~ ryan cabrera on the way down

kiss the rain

2004-10-06T14:58:00.000+08:00

just a little something for today. it's raining here on gokongwei and the various sights and sounds are filling my senses, electrifying and soothing at the same time. the tiny taps of the rain on the brick wall, the fake chirps of birds on a duck shooting game, the hum of students as the go about doing their thing, the tapping of my nails against the keyboards..

rose in the rain. fast asleep yet awake amidst the chaos. the hum strings of the guitar as the waltz with the fingers, sweet music that fills me with so much more than just sound..

seems like the rain cooled me off. i've been really annoyed at almost everyone today after waking up to a good day everything suddenly went wrong..but the rain tells me something. that God is here to watch over me, to take care of me and that he too is willing to shed tears for me. i miss the rain. the peace it brings. the silence, the comfort, the strength i find in the hope that the sun will rise again after the sky cries.

i miss him. i miss him a lot. i don't know why..or how..all i know is that i do. wala lang.

Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?

Hello
Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone?

'Cause I'm
Trying to explain
Something's wrong
You just don't sound the same

Why don't you
Go outside
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone, too long.

If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn.

Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
as empty for me, as for you
If you feel
You can't wait till morning
Kiss the rain

Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missing you

What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels
like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind
In my mind
Would you go
Kiss the rain

And you'd fall over me
Think of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long
If your lips
Feel lonely and tempted
Kiss the rain
and wait for the dawn

Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me, as for you..

~ kiss the rain, billie myers

***

svet and i talked today and a little tiny bit of annoyance to the world faded away coz of that little bonding session this morning. :) hm. we've got a introdb project due tomorrow and i'm at it now..i was thinking about this thing i wanna do for this blog...everytime i'm gonna post, i'm gonna place pics that represent how i feel. ain't it cute? :) hehe..that's how bored i get that i'm actually finding other ways to express myself.

and you sang, but i knew it was never gonna be for me...

spread some light outside your window,
i'm still standing there
just like before
don't shut your door
coz i wanna love you.
take care of your heart
i don't wanna see it broken again
let me wait outside til the morning rise
don't feel guilty coz this is what i wanted
let me love you, just let me do.
you showed me the way out of the shadows
now let me show you God
please don't be afraid to take my hand
i won't take you that far,
just into the highest mountains
to show you the eternal sun.
you are everything i wanted and more
please don't fear this love
i have found to be sacred as i keep it
in the depths of my heart..

haha...just another love poem ;p

heavy skies

2004-10-05T22:07:00.000+08:00

i'm showering sheena's blog with lotsa comments!

I wanna live before I die
So don't say I have to cry on
One more freezing floor
I ask you to open the door
And see how things could have gone
The reason that it took so long
Before you could figure out
That for so long I was about to break
And there were no arms to keep me
From harming me and now I'm searchin back to see
How I never tried to ask for some sympathy
'cause no- nobody wants to ride with me too far
'cause I might trip away
But in your arms I'd rather stay

You might just turn into something I like
You might just turn into something I like
You might just turn into something I like
You might just turn into something I
Want to dream about
Something I can't live without
My foot is in your hand
I want you to understand
How I could be confused
Right after being used
But still your here in spite
When I close my eyes to dream at night
I've gotta keep my pants on
I gotta check my pulse before I've gone too far away
To hurt so i think I'll stay around to hear ya breath
Saying all those words to me
Unraveling my fantasy while I drink
My oleander tea
~ katy rose, i like

the notebook.

2004-10-05T14:54:00.000+08:00

[:music:] humming of the air con in the lab
[:mood :] hungry.

java class. hehe. wala lang.

hm..i watched the notebook last saturday with ellen, myk, and svet. honestly the movie was aesthetically pretty. i mean, the casting was great, cinematography rocked, everything was nice...i guess except for the whole storyline. i read the book back in high school and i found it nice. watching the movie, though in this time and place made me vomit. it was totally predictable, and the love story was too perfect top even comprehend! i mean, the perfection in the whole movie was not real. somehow i wanted it to be more realistic, or close to what real life is. unfortunately i did not find that in the movie. the book was good. i remember really falling in love with the book (Jane made me read it) not only because of the story but also because of the poetic stuff embedded in the story. that was one thing the movie lost. they may have retained some lines but it quite wasn't enough. also, the antagonist factor was like..not an antagonist at all! i told you it was too perfect..

that night sheena and talked about the flick and she agreed with me. ya know that movie reminds us too much of what we would die for--someone to love us perfectly. thing is, it's not always like that. sometimes we have to stand alone. actually not sometimes. it's ALL THE TIME. yes, i am guilty of desperately wanting someone to love me but you know, sometimes, when life doesn't give you what you want, you learn to accept. funny how i'm talking like this when i'm so pissed about a few things
nowadays.

i realized something. i realized that this is what i feel right now.

vague? lemme explain. i feel like i'm at a stop on an intersection. everyone's going somewhere, either left or right, running after something..someone..when i wanna get to the other side. i can either go left or right along with the others but i can go straight--get to the other side and leave all the traffic behind. great, ain't it? i dunno...

oh well..

i'm dizzy as drunk could be
eleven on my clock
twelve in yours
time speeding so fast
when in your arms.
she's going down the drain
you're lost in her eyes
when i scratch my nails on the wall.
and you don't hear
crying tears on the floor
rain through doors.
jars of clay old and grey
crack and fall
like me when i call
you can't hear me.
you can't hear me.

after all

2004-09-27T22:06:00.000+08:00

[:music:] pop stuffage!!
[:mood :] masaya..

gone are the days
when we lived in bubbles of
safety blankets
and fairy tales.
gone are the nights filled with fear
of the boogie man beneath my bed.
gone are the fairies, the gnomes,
the charming princes.
now there's only the serene night sky
my safety blanket where i have sewn
stars and planets, stories of days that passed
dreams and tears and songs i used to sing.
the past is never far, it's neverending in shadows
and moonlight. tonight i sleep
with a soul whose burden isn't far from heavy
knowing the sun will rise and bring forth a new day
where scars won't remind me of the pain
instead remind me that i am strong
and that he's there to hold me up always.

happiness found

2004-09-26T22:06:00.000+08:00

[:music:] huwag na huwag by kitchi nadal
[:mood :] weird but alright

from friendster again..

1. SCHOOLS YOU'VE ATTENDED?
~ Child Learning Center, Makati, St. Scholastica's College, Manila, DLSU...that makes three.

2. YEAR YOU WERE BORN?
~ 1986

3. DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
~ too much ata

4. FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING WHEN YOU WOKE UP?
~ uhm...ewan..."it's fucking late.."

5. WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE?
~ my cellphone!!

6. EVER TRIED TO SKIP MEALS?
~ i always skip breakfast during non class days..

7. GRILLED OR FRIED?
~ grilled tastes better

8. WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE TO OTHER PEOPLE?
~ i'm me...and well...i'm different. basta i'm different.

9. WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO YOURSELF TODAY?
~ love yourself more and have faith. happiness doesn't come from material things but in the small things that matter..

10. GIVEN A CHANCE TO GO ON NATIONAL TV, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
~ be a vj

11. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE WHO HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN TO FOLLOW YOUR ORDERS, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
~ hm...i dunno...washing machine? *parang may ganun kami..*

12. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
~ at times yeah..

13. FAVORITE HANGOUT?
~ rp, gox lobby

14. WHATS YOUR BEST PICK-UP LINE?
~ hah. that's for me to know and for you to find out..;)

15. 3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH OUT?
~ money, cellphone, kikay stuff

16. YOU'RE A LIFELESS OBJECT FOR A DAY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
~ bed..? pillow? blanket?

17. FIRST THING YOU WILL BUY IF GIVEN 1 THOUSAND PESOS?
~ new shoes or a bag...

18. FAVORITE SONG WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPY?
~ somewhere in between by lifehouse

19. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
~ lotsa stuff..

20. ARE YOU WILLING NOT TO TAKE A BATH FOR ONE DAY?
~ no!!!

21. CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE?
~ new laptop..*garapal e*

22. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
~ val, valot, and lotsa other names..*refer to last month's post*

23. WHAT IS YOUR DAD'S MIDDLE NAME?
~ i have no idea!! i don't even know him!

24. WHO ARE THE GFS/BFS OF YOUR BROTHER(S)/SISTER(S)?
~ sori wala pa e...

25. MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED?
~ the terminal. astig.

26. INVISIBLE FOR A DAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
~ follow someone around and watchi him sleep..

27. GIVEN 3 WISHES, WHAT WOULD THEY BE?
~ peace of mind, peace on earth and contentment for everyone

28. STUCK ON A DESERT ISLAND & COULD HAVE ONLY ONE KIND OF FOOD FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
~ ice cream...cookies and cream flavor

29. FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL?
~ the sinigang thing where there's this cute kid rapping about yung luto ng mom nya..

30. IF YOU'LL DIE TOMORROW, WHY NOT TODAY?
~ takte ang labo...

31. FIRST THING(s) YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE?
~ money and cellphone

32. YOUR EYE COLOR?
dark brown...

33. WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS
CARRY?
cellphone...wallet...tissue

34. SHOWBIZ OR POLITICS?
~ showbiz..mas maraming links to hot cute guys e

35. FROM 1-10, RATE PRES. GMA?
~ 6?

36. WHAT DO USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS 7?
~ nagiging magandang seductress ako..joke...wala...er...

37. THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEET?
~ purple

38. GIVE JUST 1 FAVORITE SONG.
~ huwag na huwag by kitchie nadal

39. IF YOU WILL DIE TODAY, WHO DO YOU THINK WILL CRY THE FIRST?
~ grandma

40. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?
~ ms. universe

41. AGE WHEN YOU FIRST FELL IN LOVE?
~ 17

42. AGE WHEN YOU WERE FIRST ENLIGHTENED?
~ anuh? depends on how you put it..;)

43. NUMBER OF PEOPLE YOU'RE CHATTING WITH RIGHT NOW?
~ two. arvil and ellen

44. NAME AS MUCH ALIASES YOU USE TO HIDE YOURSELF:
~ kanuha, kanuharaine, lavender skye, chevelle, firewater..

45. FAVORITE SUMMER DRINK?
~ pearl shakes!

46. FAVORITE DESSERT?
~ ice cream

47. COLOR OF YOUR WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER RIGHT NOW?
~ purple

48. COLOR OF YOUR DESKTOP WALPAPER?
~ blue

49. FAVORITE COLOR OF UNDERWEAR?
~ erm...skin tone? pink?

50. DO YOU BELIEVE IN HOROSCOPES?
~ depends. kapag sa libre..oo!! haha..

51. CHIDHOOD DREAM?
~ to be a rock star

***

WHAT..

..is in your closet that you treasure most?
>> uhm...malamang clothes?

..song that makes you wanna dance?
>> jlo songs...

..you bring anywhere with you?
>> cellphone..

..do you do first upon waking up?
>> magsuklay..believe it or not..

..time do you usually go to sleep?
>> eleven or twelve

..is the scariest movie ever?
>> ewan..

..makes you tremble?
>> pag sobrang lamig or sobrang takot

..type of clothes do you like wearing?
>> usual normal jeans and shirt look with a little bracelets and stuff...

..youve been thinking lately?
>> loving myself..

..part of your body do you adore?
>> hair

..have you done to pamper yourself lately?
>> i was supposed to go to the derma..

..is your sleepwear?
>> daster..minsan spag straps and shorts

..do you want to add up to your room?
>> sun design on the ceiling

..scent/perfume do you like best from a
man/woman?
>> anything that smells like seduction ;)

..would you rather have -coffee or iced tea?
>> erm..hirap...i like both e

..is your best trait?
>> being open minded

..what would you rather do -go out or sleep?
>> depends on my mood and who i'm gonna go with

..would you rather engaged yourself into-
basketball or scuba diving?
>> neither!

..in your house do you want to get rid of?
>> all the antique whateverness

..is sexy for you?
>> uhm...someone who smells good, and like..there's this undescribable look in the eyes...basta asa mata lng talaga..saka sa touch

..is a romantic date for you?
>> dinner movie thingy usual stuff

..brings you to tears?
>> the past

..have you eaten before logging in?
>> uh huh..

..do you think of long-distance love affair?
>> nah

..do you pray you rather not have?
>> my life sometimes

..was the last movie you watched in the theater?
>> haha chasing liberty. tagal na no?

..do you prefer- jeans or skirt?
>> jeans

..do you do -jog or swim?
>> jog

..name would you rather have?
>> anneliese

..makes you lose your temper?
>> my mom

..food are you craving for lately?
>> ice cream

..the world needs now?
>> peace and contentment

well anyways, that was long. i just came home from southmall..sort of baby sitted jan jan and sacha..it was weird coz janzen was there...di kami nagpapansinan haha kala mo galet..duhh hu cares anyways..ayun..pero at least naget over na ng mga tita namin yung uuuuyyy thingy. mom ko naman pag uwi she was like..asking stuff about myk and ross parang ako...er...wala lang nakakatawa...tas yung tita ko ren tinanong c myk kung nililigawan ako..parang..er...anu ba yan..wala lang.

anyways, i saw the terminal yesterday and it was very good. catherine zeta jones didn't look as good as she did in..er..what was that film she did with that ER guy? basta yun. tom hanks was good. ang cute nga nya e. wala lang.

ayun. hehe. cge...dc na ko in a while..saka may ilalagay pa ko sa ashes fall e. :)

when boredom strikes

2004-09-25T14:42:00.000+08:00

[:music:] vertical horizon - you're a god
[:mood :] very very very bored.

Part 1: Basics
1. NICKNAME: val, valot
2. SEX: female
3. BIRTHDATE: july 24, 1986
4. WHERE DO YOU LIVE: Manila, Philippines
5. HEIGHT: 5'7 or something
6. SHOE SIZE: 9?
7. FIRST CRUSH: mmm forgot na e..
8. WHATS YOUR SIGN: leo
9. WHATS THE FIRST IMPRESSION OF YOU: mataray
10. HAVE A TATTOO: nope..

Part 2: Food
1. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING: burger king
2. COKE OR PEPSI: pepsi
3. ROOT BEER OR CALI: root beer
4. TEA OR COFFEE: coffee with bailey's
5. VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: both.
6. CAKE OR PIE: cake

Part 3: Pick one
1. MARRY PERFECT FRIEND OR PERFECT LOVER: uhm...dun wanna get married e..
2. CATS OR DOGS: dogs.
3. 1 PILLOW OR 2: two. with a big blankie..
4. W/ OR W/O ICE: with ice..lots..
5. TOP OR BOTTOM: depends on what yer reffering to..weheheh
6. WINTER/SPRING/SUMMER/FALL: summer rawks..*sings summer sunshine*
7. SKIING OR BOARDING: wanna learn how to skateboard
8. BIKING OR BLADING: er...
9.ROCK/RAP/R&B/PUNK/ALT/SKA/TECHNO/SWING: alternative rock and punk
10. NIGHT OR DAY: night...hehe..
11. VEST OR MITTENS: er..
12. DRESSED OR UNDRESSED: dressed. then have someone else undress you..haha joke..
13. BUNK OR WATER BED: wtf
14. MAKE PLANS OR GO ALONG: kahit ano..
15. TRUTH OR DARE: uhm...depends on mah mood..
17. OCEAN OR POOL: ocean!!
18. SHOWERS OR BATHS: both..:)
19. BLIND OR DEAF: er...i dunno..

Part 4: Favorites
1. COLOR: purple
2. NUMBER: 3
3. SUBJECT: erm...english?
4. SHOE BRAND/s: parisian, skechers...whatever
6. DRINK: red tea
7. ANIMAL: phoenix
8. HOLIDAY: christmas!!
9. FAVORITE LINE FROM A MOVIE: "at the count of three, i'm gonna kiss you" or something like that..sa how to deal haha cheesy wala na ko amisip e...
10. BAND: evanescence
11. MOVIE: kahit ano basta interesting
12. PLACE TO CHILL: gox lobby!! kahit mainit!
13. FLOWER: white roses.
14. PERFUME: herbench na bare

Part 5: Would you..
1. MOVE ANYWHERE? preferrably within the city
2. DYE YOUR HAIR? did that already! :)
3. ONE FAMOUS PERSON? anuh?
4. LIVE WITH ONE PERSON FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? maybe...
5. NAME ONE PERSON YOU LOVE: like you don't already know..
6. NAME ONE THING THAT EMBARRASSES YOU: er..haha..
7. DO YOU LIKE SCHOOL? yeah..sorta..
8. DO YOU LIKE TALKING ON THE PHONE? uh huh as long as we're having a good conversation...
9. DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LINE? cellphone lang po..
10. ARE YOU BORED? yeah. very.

4 a.m.

2004-09-25T03:49:00.000+08:00

[:music:] shadow - ashlee
[:mood :] awake..wide awake..

i woke up at three this morning...i slept through the afternoon after coming home real early yesterday. man that sucks. haha. yeah. anyways, no one's online *malamang* and it's kinda getting boring...i'm gonna go blog hopping. hehe how boring. i think i'm craving for a shopping spree this weekend. i passed by the minimall near our place before i came home yesterday and i found some cool clothes. wah!! i am so broke! i bought a lock for the locker and a chain thing for my room here. the damn door always gets me locked out and it sucks. heh.

grace has a pretty new blog layout! kewl. i like it. delish. speaking of grace, she's got a lot of new cool posts that kinda make my brain work in the sense that it make me think about things. wah..i always think about things..hehe. yeah. maybe you've all seen it by now but i created yet another blog which was named watch me as i sleep..it's a dark thingy opposite of what i have here. coz this is the day and the other side is the night. but i suggest that you guys read more of this instead of the other one. hehe. you don't wanna know why. :)

hm. i fell kinda off being awake at this hour of the day. *groan* dammit. when i woke upi thought it was like around midnight...then i looked at the clock and it said 3 a.m. i was like...what?! shit. argh. now what? i think i'm gonna go read a book or something and just wait for the morning to arrive.

i'm missing a bunch of sleeping people right now. :)

er....

2004-09-24T13:15:00.000+08:00

[:music:] gox noise
[:mood :] pathetic

hate my mom.

living in a new day

2004-09-23T21:02:00.000+08:00

[:music:] giving it all away - ashlee
[:mood :] weird

maybe not so much of a good day but at least i know very well i am living in a new day.

well anyways, i've been thinking a lot again and i was having some tiny doubts about myself...but then i know and i'm totally convonced that i'm fine now. an annoyance hit me this afternoon on the form of two people whom i shall not name. the first person,...i dunno...i have no friggin idea why the hell i was so annoyed at her when she wean't doing anything to me! gawd! but hell it disapeared anyways coz of the other annoyance i had which in fact brought me to the point of tears. mad tears. i have never falt so annoyed an frustrated in my whole life. i just can't believe Ross would be so senseless to even try that with me! hello!? what's the point? if you're trying to test some stupid psychological theory on me well i'm not some stupid lab rat okay? i'm a person if you haven't thought about it. know what's even more annoying? the fact that you had the guts to get mad. you do not know to even respect other people's rights and you get mad? come on, Ross, i thought you were really bright. but hell. i don't wanna care anymore. i had a headache after crying the hell outta me. which was kinda funny though. *sigh*

anyways, sheena and i are talking through text right now. i miss that girl. then there's jane whom i haven't heard of for a long time now. hm.

i've been a bad girl lately, not reading school material and such. damn. yesterday was my tita's birthday and myk and ellen were over here at the house for the little celebration. zyreen and myk were having a real bonding time while i was like, err... but it was cute to watch them..i can't believe myk's patence with her. i mean, zyreen is just a brat and i dunno how he was like so patient to the point that they understood each other. wah dun wanna think about it...:) point is, they were really cute. *aaww...*

hm. i wanna watch tv but i'm also sleepy. i might be logging out in a few and be back later. see yawl around..:)

damn

2004-09-20T18:43:00.000+08:00

[:music:] shadow - ashlee
[:mood :] feeling good..

damn. why the hell do i have to feel like this? like i'm on a high just at the sight of his name on my ym list...*he's online*...gawd i suck. anyways, today was cool. i woke up at the wrong side of the bed but it was alright coz i made my way through th day with a smile on my face. heh. so after class, ellen, myk and i took ross to david's salon and he had his hair cut and man he looked damn good. wehehe.

aneeeways, i was able to talk to grace last night...it was cool. i miss that girl...:)

i'm answering a bunch if quizzes on quizzilla. then i'll log out in a few.

why the hell can't i get enough of him?!

going crazy over this song

2004-09-19T21:45:00.000+08:00

Better Off - Ashlee

The sky has fallen
And it's early in the morning
But it's ok somehow
I spilt my coffee, it went
All over your clothes
I gotta wear mine now

And im always, always,always late
And my hair's a mess,
Even when it's straight

So what,
I'm better off everyday
When i'm standing in the pouring rain, I dont mind
I think of you and everythings alright
I used to think i had it good
But now i know that i misunderstood
You would say, i'm better off in every way

My friends keep callin'
They say, they say im stallin'
And they wanna meet you now
I tell them hell no, i say
We're tryin' to lay low
Don't wanna lose what i've found

Things are finally, finally lookin' up
All my fear, on the ground
Even though im stuck

So what,
I'm better off everyday
When i'm standing in the pouring rain, I dont mind
I think of you and everythings alright
I used to think i had it good
But now i know that i misunderstood
You would say, i'm better off in every way

Better off in every way
I'm better off in every way
I'm better off today

The sky has fallen
And it's early in the morning
But it's ok

when silence means a lot

2004-09-19T01:05:00.000+08:00

[:music:] orbit by *artist*
[:mood :] love...?

funny when i don't have to say a word
and you'll know what i'm thinking.
funny how i don't have to ask
to know what you wanna say
and know that somehow
you're talking straight to my heart.
funny when the sunshine will leave me dazed
like a first kiss, second, perhaps
i never counted anyways.
funny how i wanna hold your hand
just because it feels warm.
funny how i wanna hug you
just because it was a weekend and
i missed seeing you for two days.
funny how sometimes i just wanna stare at you
while you do your thing, go about your day.
funny howafter all said and done
you're still the one, the reason for my smile,
the reason why i'm still believing.

yah it's a mushy poem...i did not see that coming. i wanted something deeper but hell. this is how i feel so...i miss him. a lot. hah. sucks but it's ok. i've been doing terribly fime for the past week. first week of the second term was great and i hope it lasts until the end of the term. :)

anyways, i'm really sleepy now so i'll see yawl.

passion

2004-09-18T01:38:00.000+08:00

[:music:] here in my heart - plus one
[:mood :] sleepy

~ more than words can say...can you hear me when i pray in the pouring rain, baby i'm missing you...

wala lang. i heard the song again after many years...kinda feels good though. i'm gonna look for that song by regine velasquez and david hasselhoff. anyways, andrea and i were talking and i kinda realized something. love is about selflessly caring for and giving to others without expecting anything in return. wala lang.

ewan ko ba...my life is changing pero there's still some things na parang di mawala wala sa life mo...sabi ko nalang na what if God's real lesson for me was to love without asking anything in return di ba? now alam ko na mali ko. and ang galing kase parang feeling ko asa ibang lebel nanaman ako sa buhay ko. ibang lebel kase kahit papano i can see my paradigms shifting again to another horizon...which is good. :)

all in all this day rawked. :) masaya ako dahil ang daming blessings na binigay sakin ni God and now ko lang sila naappreciate. and grabe ang appreciation ko abot langit. kaya ganito na ko magsalita. taglish na bangag na. oo matutulog na rin ako.

good night. :)

time stands still

2004-09-11T18:28:00.000+08:00

[:music:] keyboard
[:mood :] empty and lost

time stads still
for a body lotion bottle
with its lid pried open
waiting for someone
to give it a squeeze
so that the white stuff
would come out.
then
smell it
the scent of lotion
so pink in the sense
that
it's girly.
i realize that
it's so me.
at the same time that
it isn't me.
coz i'm filled with sweet lies
so sweet like the scent of lotion.
white pink stuff.
white pink scent
sunblock-ish sometimes.
lotion. sunblock.
blocking the sun.
blocking the light
that used to bath me
with warmth.
but now
the sun doesn't touch me.
i've grown cold,
imprisoned, waiting
while time stands still
waiting
like the lotion bottle.
standing still.
waiting.

***

kinda bored. was supposed to apply lotion but went online and blogged instead. cried myself to sleep last night. thought that it was over. had to think again. coz it wasn't. thought i wanted to fall for someone new. just for the sake of losing this feeling. but thought again that it would end up the same. was thinking i felt this way last year. almost exactly in the same position. ended up with a bitter sweet thing. bitter. and sweet. this time more intense than before. keep asking myself was it a mistake. keep asking if this is my great fall. asking. always asking. always waiting.

tummy aches. stupid monthly bitch out to make my tummy hurt again. no one's online. feu won against ateneo. 65-51. got two hours left on the internet card. no one texting me. silence filling my ears. desolate. tears run dry. words echoing in my head. forgot that it was saturday night. telling myself everything will be alright. telling myself i can do this. having a little faith. being numb. being very numb.

logging out now.

so maybe i was wrong

2004-09-10T21:32:00.000+08:00

[:music:] hanggang ngayon - kyla
[:mood :] hurt

SORRY TAO LANG AKO. SORRY KASE NADADALA LANG AKO NG EMOSYON KO. SORRY NA GANITO AKO.

SORRY I CAN'T BE PERFECT.

some things just never go away don't they?

2004-09-07T23:15:00.000+08:00

[:music:] sway - bic runga
[:mood :] just so annoyed

updates...i fixed the picture above as you can see...hehe kind of personalized it and stuff..well..i'm on to chapter two of purpose driven life and it's kind of making sense so far. it's all good. thing is, i hope i could keep it all in my head.

anyways, been awefully annoyed just now. i'm trying very hard not to be annoyed at anyone for that matter but no...they just won't fecking go away. how freakin' sad. i wanna rant and stuff but i'm trying hard not to coz it's part of the i'm-gonna-stop-being-bitchy thing i'm putting up with ever since i started reading the purpose driven life. uh huh. so much for self improvement huh? well the point why i am so annoyed is just one person. uh huh. she's s friend of mine who has been very...weird lately...she has this relationship with a guy which i don't get at all coz she hasn't explained it to me--gawd we don't even talk! which is why we can't freaking understand each other--at least i cannot understand her coz she's too busy ranting about things i don't understand! *am i slow or there's really something wrong with her?* then here she goes talking to some other friend of mine with whom i have the same friggin problem! i mean, one is enough, ya know. and it's so annoying coz you know what? i wanna understand them. i wanna understand her, i wanna understand him. but no. i can't. you know why? coz they never explained anything to me! it's lke they're leaving me in the dark for no apparent reason except that oh gawd we understand each other never mind val she doesn't get it anyways, besides, she doesn't give a damn. hello?!

maybe i'm just selfish for wanting to understand both of you. but you know what? it kind of hurts coz you're my friends and i wanna be there for you but you just keep on shutting everything away. well then fine if you want it that way. maybe i've been too selfish when someone broke my heart...maybe i wanted all the attention. but you know, right now i can say i'm moving on without your fucking help. and i don't care anymore if you don't notice that i'm here for you, trying to be strong even if i know one of these days i'd be falling apart again.

she was right. and i wouldn't be surprised if she's on your side. coz you're right. you always were. she was too. maybe i'm just selfish. maybe i'm just in too deep in myself. well sorry for being that way. forget i said anything. just do your thing and forget about me. just forget it.

testimonials.

2004-09-06T15:47:00.000+08:00

[:music:] ashlee's pieces of me
[:mood :] bored as usual

i'm updating for the sake of the new look. lol. hah! i think this is better than the last one coz the last one was kind of cramped inside the tables..anyways...

i wrote testimonials for Kitel and ellen and guess what? they did have something nice to say about me to..*sounds like i did not expect that but hey that's me!*

anyways, here's what Ellen said:

cant beliv it took us almost a year bago
tau nakasulat ng testie 4 each other!
[how conio.. hehe] anyway, this gurL is
one of mah closest friends in coLej! not
to mention one of my originaL anak!!
hehe.. she may be hard to reach at
times, with her mood swings and all..
but once you reach her, it'L be so hard
for you to let go.. it's just that this gurL's
so sweet, so nice, and so fun to be with,
that every minute with her will definitely
be one of those unforgettable moments
of your coLej life. u'd find yourself sad or
angry or whatever at one minute, then,
there she is, ready to give u a smile and
make u laugh agen! she's that cool.
she's also okay to talk with. you can tell
her ur secrets and she'l be able to keep
them. she knows what i'm feeling or
thinkin sometimes just by lookin at me,
kinda creepy, but i admire her for that..
ahaha.. and not to forget.. she's also
one of the pretty girLz.. [val.. wag ng
umangal..] luvyah so much!!! take care
olweiz, ayt? *

well yeah i would have to agree with her that it did kind of take us one year to know each other really well..kind of the same story as Rika..i think the real thing that pulled us together was anmath1 under sir tristan...the first time i mean..coz they were my classmates during that time and yes we all failed. anyways...moving on to Kitel..

"hello, pwede po kay val?", lola:"wla
sha, cud u col back l8r? who's this?..
wlecum" grbe, the girl with such a nice
grandma hehe!! val, hey i miss ya, lalo
na ung the old u.. but i think ul get back
in shape, u just need time and set
worries free ryt?!.. this gurl is my shock
absorber before, as in grbe.. alam nya
halos lhat ng ngyyre.. and i really thank
her for listenin to me, kc wlang hiya ako
mgkwento jan dba val?! and her crazy
dreams keep on catching me.. she
dreamt of smething abt me, then a
week later a friend fr the other side of
the fence (whom it is obvious she
doesn't know) dreamt of the same
thing.. waaah!! bsta, she's one cool gal,
never to be under estimated.. ul be
shocked with what ul hear from her..
from OUTRAGEOUS stories, hot of the
grill haha.. til mga advices at mga
predictions.. she's one gurl i really love..
ur almost there gurl, love like u never
wud.. khet sa tingin ng ibang tao mali,
bsta ur happy, dun ka tlga dald

is it me or the message was cut? anyways, yeah she had to rub in the "you changed" thing..uh huh..hey i'm not denying it or anything...but..yeah it's kinda sad that she misses the old me. what can i say? sometimes people change and it's not for the better. too bad. i'm trying to make the best out of it either way so it's all good.

know what? i realized something. what i need right now is for people to really appreciate me. coz..i dunno...i'm losing faith *i think* and nothing seems to be going right. Pearl begged me to read the purple and yellow book *bestseller* which i forgot what the title was...so there. i am gonna start reading that today. and i'm gonna finish off Eleven Minutes so i could read the Unbearable Lightness..*sigh*

so there. guess that's all. the outing is still weird for me. i hope we could pull it off. i hope they would reply to my text messages so i know what's going on dammet!!

;p

why

2004-09-01T22:37:00.000+08:00

::music:: from the bottom of my broken heart - britney spears *vomits*
::mood :: down

why do people keep pushing it that i'm jealous of her? LIKE DO I HAVE A SIGNBOARD ON MY FOREHEAD SAYING SO? well if there is then tell me i'd gladly take it off! duh!

***

anyways, i've been updating this blog coz i don't want it to be a stale blog just like my friends unfortunately..it's been pretty boring lately and yah. dammet.

I AM FUCKING BORED.

fecking course cards giving me the creeps

2004-09-01T17:24:00.000+08:00

::music:: vindicated by dashboard confessional
::mood :: really really worried

tomorrow's course card release day and right now my tummy's doing flip flops..man i can't afford another 0.0 coz i've got 9 freaking units *3 of which i can still snatch if i get like 2.5 on maccoms2..* so there..i just got my course cards release schedule and well...er. i dunno what to say. three our of four terms i screwed up and i'm really thinking of transferring colleges. either that or i'll get myself higher grades next term and go kick ass. i've already searched *and found* a decent tutorial for objectp *yippee* while i am kind of excited/worried about.

i woke up today feeling really off it again..i think it's the weather. it's been all cloudy and ugly and it kinda pisses me off. i mean, my mood sucks and the weather adds up to it and er..it sucks.

i had a decent conversation *at least i think so* with antet last night and this afternoon :) which was all good. hm. i'm hungry. heh. la lng. i've been watching tv all day *meaning from the time i woke up which was one pm:)* so there..my mom ain't home yet and my sister is as usual very annoying. i owe sam and kitel a call. i'll get to that later.

wah feel so bored. should go read a book. the one i'm reading now is Paulo Coelho's new one, Eleven Minutes which is cool. the reviews are right. it does make the readers dream.

anyways, i'm still thinking of attending the teambuilding ~~shit~~ thing myk told us about. too bad rika and ross won't be there...sad. anyways, i'm waiting til this internet card runs out so..there. i've got less than forty minutes so i have to kind of hurry. :) i'll see you later.

i hope i get to write a poem again. :)

just another poem..you wouldn't give a damn anyways

2004-08-31T22:43:00.000+08:00

::music:: leaving song - stephen speaks
::mood :: sad. :(

keep staring at the mirror
begging for change
desperately reaching out
for something real to hold on to
something i could feel
something like freedom
something that isn't too surreal.
i've traded in shadows for a little warmth
a few tears for the rain
and then i realize that it's all the same.
our lies become our truth now
and this i have to live by.
there's not much to hang on to
unless i depend on faded memories
that won't let me go.
why can't i just walk away?
when everything's pulling at me
all at the same time
i can't think
i can't feel anymore
coz it's always you that's there
whether or not i decide to try
even for a while, to let you go
and let you fly.
i've tried to forget you
i've tried to hate you
i've tried to deny you
and i've tried to be true
but hell why do i keep on coming back.
when i look at you straight in the eye
i see more than just you
i see something i've lost
i see something i thought
i've already forgotten.
i see the real you i loved,
and everything else i ever wanted.

no title as usual. hehe. post a comment tell me what you think..

[edit] excerpt from my other blog..para lang maging public..:) *prng yung isang blog ko di public*

wala lang. i'd just like to take time and appreciate Rika for all the support she has given me this whole term that has passed. it really means a lot for me coz..imagine...Rika and i..we weren't really that close until..just recently..i mean, i think she was the last one in our kada that i got really close with...i don't usually tell her stories and the like so there isn't really any solid basis for our friendshiop except probably our classes together. what i really like about her though is that i she didn't have to know everything for her to understand what i was feeling. and for me, that was just really like..wow. coz sometimes it's so hard to make people understand how you feel..so hard to explain yourself without being judged as the wrong person..Rika on the other hand...well..iba siya e. she could easily understand what i feel without me telling her and i think that is like the most awesome thing about her. rika simply rocks. and gawd i am so very very thankful for this term coz it gave me a chance to really know her...yung kalibugan niya and everything. wala lang. it's just feels so nice when people suddenly like appreciate you and support you no matter how wrong or right you are, no matter how many mistakes you've done. *sigh*

Rika, super thanks for everything. grabe. i must admit i was surprised..pero what's important is that anjan ka for me as well as i am for you. thank you so much. abot langit pasasalamat ko sayo. :)

***

same goes for Svet. you guys know by now na friends na kami and grabe..we so get along very well. another surprise for me. not that i expected us to like..cat fight or something. but this girl turned out to be soooo sweet and so friendly to the point akala mo plastic pala siya..hindi pala..astig nga e. pero she's super bait and super caring talaga *oo ang conyo ko* and i appreciate her a lot kase she'd like take time off her busy schedule just to call me on her cellphone pa! *yabang talaga ng mga nakaline! haha joke* pero di nga...astig di ba? parang for a nbew friend to call you up out of the blue just because namimiss ka niya..wala lang. it means a lot lang to me. :)

Svet, salamat sa lahat. grabe ka. astig. :) sana mas maging close pa tayo..ingat ka lage ayt? :) ya rawk, girl.

back from my memory

2004-08-24T21:09:00.000+08:00

::music:: somewhere in the middle - dishwalla
::mood :: worried

you killed them, soft white birds
now i bury them in my backyard.
these things i'll never say
keep pushing their way out.
i'm imprisoning my words
but then they come out softly
i hate to say them
coz they don't make sense.
who am i anyway?
i'm just a sick lost girl.
who am i to you
i'm that fallen girl
falling to rise again
and i've come back from the dead
i'm not a ghost to haunt you
i'm not here to torment you
when you have always mistaken me
for a someone who cared too much.
i am not a ghost
i will not haunt you
i will not be your destruction.
i wanted to take it all away of i could
but the memory of the dead birds won't fly away.
coz you've sunk in too deep
when you won't hand me your pain
and you can't save yourself
and i can't save you.

way out of myself

2004-08-23T21:49:00.000+08:00

::music:: from the heart - another level
::mood :: natabla ako...

as you can see, new layout again. finally got the comments and date thing going right. anyways, tomorrow's the maccoms exam..i do hope i do well. *sigh*

i was feeling kinda alright this afternoon after spending a great time with amiel, svet, ross, rika and myk. :)

right now though i'm feeling really weird. maybe it's the headache and the sleepiness. :)

anyways, myk is currently going ballistic online so i think i'll leave him be for a while. that dude needs help...seriously..nah i'm kidding...

blogspot kinda sucks...the codes aren't freaking working properly and it looks ugly. hay. so there. that's all for now. :)

boring

2004-08-21T21:53:00.000+08:00

::music:: stigmatized by the calling
::mood :: sort of happy..

i'm tempted to change the friggin layout of this thing again..i'm looking for a new one coz i'm really hating the milo thing going on. and the banner that says he loves me he loves you not.

i'm just gonna dry my newly painted nails and i'm gonna get to this, ayt? :)

yeah i know this is a crappy post. :)

Resurgam: when words weigh too much

2004-08-16T21:45:00.000+08:00

::music:: truly madly deeply by savage garden
::mood :: annoyed, sleepy, depressed

i talked to Jane earlier *happy birthday mah bessie* and...i dunno...i guess her words weighed too much for me. i felt like no matter whom i ask, it's all the same answers i get. that i made the wrong decisions and am continuing to make the wrong decisions. i just find it sad that no one even dared to recognize the fact that i'm exerting effort to change somehow and be a little more positive. but hell that won't bring me down. i don't wanna let them step all over me again. this time i got more faith that everything will be alright. if only they'd stop being so annoying and stop reminding me of things that are better off forgotten.

one day soon i'll be able to fly away. this is only the beginning. i will get there somehow. i'm walking away and leaving everything behind co i'm tired of waiting for something that will never come my way. one day soon it'll find me. but not now. i've got my life to straighten out first.

we both know i'm not over you...

so stop pretending.

sunshine finally settled in

2004-08-13T20:31:00.000+08:00

::music:: summer sunshine by the corrs
::mood :: better than the last few days

yeah it's friday the 13th and so far i'm at extremeties. i dunno if i had a bad or great day. how weird. well to start off i headed to school forgetting to apply conditioner to my hair (yes big deal for me sorry). brought my laptop plus clothes...yeah i brought that much stuff. dang. flunked the anmath quiz i know..almost fell asleep on manacon class...after that was like sweet freedom..i went downstairs to meet the guys and the best thing that ever happened all week...amiel, svet, ross and i had lunch at tropical hut. ang saya. as in. kahit apat lang kami astig yung kulitan namin. si amiel malibog as usual..and the weird thing there is that i noticed something about ross....grabe mas malibog na siya ngayon kaysa dati!! wahahaha!! swear!! maybe epekto ni amiel...saka ni myk..it's like sumasabog kase pag amiel + myk + ross e...oh well iba na talaga pag..er....yun...

hay anyways, i did my screwed up mp which by the way does not friggin work...haha yeah. submitted it though. even weirder. :) there. after that i hung out in the lobby *hm napapadalas na ko dun a* with rika, joyce, gino, ellen, cholo, svet, amiel and myk...yeah. tapos defense namin ng 5 pm...astig sobra kase tinulugan kami ni sir!! as in nagrereport kami ng mejo ang haba nga nya sabay si sir antok na antok na..ayun pagtapos namin wala na shang nahirit na tanong! astig da va... :) ayun..after nun bumaba ako..dapat manonood kami ni ellen ng groove e hindi ako pinayagan. ayun. so naghang muna ako sandali sa lobby kasama nila svet, myk at rika...nagkulitan...tapos yun...sabay sabay kami lumabas..tapos uwi. :) saya. promise and saya ng araw na to. kakaiba. parang..weird na ewan pero masaya. haven't felt this way for a long time now. :) anyways, there. that's all for now. i'm posting something else on my dj so..see yah!

2004-08-10T21:05:00.000+08:00

::music:: Broken by Seether and Amy Lee
::mood :: *refer to the song*

i'm doing my final mp right now and i'm kinda looking for ward to the next few days...specially on saturday..rotc graduation!!! and i'm sure gonna miss those girls..sigh..funny how the term's coming to an emd and i realize how much everything has changed yet again..how sad. it was all so simple then...now we're all tangled up in this weird *endless* mess that i can't seem to get out of. oh well...people are saying that i am paranoid...well i think i am. i've been finding it very hard to trust people nowadays, it's weird. i feel like people are either if not mocking me behind my back, they're hating me and stuff...yeah i am paranoid, ain't i? oh well. things have been too rough, that's all. i can't wait for a new term to start. either that or a long break which will be like, far from now. as far as i know i won't be having any summer coz i'm attending summer classes for fili/jpriz and anmath2...shiyet..sucks...well there. and i've been doing a lot of thinking lately..er..i always do but the hell..yeah so i've been thinking of post college plans..and plans for the now. i'm gonna start writing again one of these days. i feel like grabbing a pen and writing random stuff..if not a pen then a computer..hehe..there. this afternoon i made a new wallpaper which you can view here. it's got a poem in it..random stuff, really. something i suddenly got the urge to write after a while..

anyways, i better get back to my mp..i've got to update my other fallen blog..wah..updated all three blogs today..cool... :) ciao!

i lurve mah dj

2004-08-09T22:08:00.000+08:00

::music:: harder to breathe - maroon 5
::mood :: very proud of myself

i renovated my dj!! yeah it rawks! i lurve the damn thang...yeah well it's all good..that lifted my mood somehow...cool. well i guess that's it for now. i'll see you soon. :)

keep on rawkin'!!

dry ice

2004-08-08T19:00:00.000+08:00

::music:: crazy in love by beyonce
::mood :: very very very cold..

wow cool that song reminds me of two things. first is Kakach and the second is Rika's debut. talk about nice warm fuzzy memories. :)

moving on, today was alright...woke up at around eight..real early..couldn't get back to sleep coz the carpenter was around doing lotsa stuff and it was noisy. he hung the two new chandeliers (i feel like vomiting saying that), one in the dining room and the other in the living room. so there. went online to renovate this blog then slept again til one..ate lunch then prepared for the church thing...went there and found that kuya Ben wasn't around..nor was the annoying kid i disliked. nyaha. but the other girl wasn't there too, my favorite among them. well anyways, i got to chat with this really talkative girl who didn't mention her name whatsoever but she was cool. she kept ranting on and on about her pets, her 20 year old sister who had two kids *i was like wtf* and lots of other things. gawd i was so distracted with the kids i didn't listen to the mass. oh well. like i'd really listen..ehehe. well anways, after that i came home, took a shower and now i am online. how nice. :) i wasn't able to update yesterday coz i ran out of internet cards. dang. :)

anyway, yesterday rawked. we went shipboarding on ROTC...we went up the Philippine Flagship, Rajah Humabon something something i can't remember what the hell the name was really..anyways, yeah it was cool...me and my rotc friends had a lot of fun picking on Aida (who by the way knows Eunice) coz she had this big crush on the captain i forgot his first name..his last name was Tamayo. yeah that guy. he was pretty cute. hehe. anyways, we really had a fun time on the bus...Gem and Soc were crazy as ever...hm..i'm really gonna miss those guys..Di who was the totally academically inclined one among us *she even brought a chem book so she could study!! gawd!*, Jessica who's quiet but cool, Jem and Soc, the wild pair who never failed to amuse us and make us laugh with the crazy jokes *yeah Jem was picking on the officer who was with us..hehe..oh yeah i think she's JB's girlfriend..ain't sure though..*, Pet who's like the quietest among us, and Patricia..whom i forgot what the hell is her nickname..er..she's from Zobel and she knows Pearl. yeah. there. cool. i am so gonna miss those girls!!! really..i'm glad we all got together for the shipboarding...when we were making our way back to the bus the rain suddenly poured and we just got wet to the bone! then there's the aircon bus which froze us to death. haha great. now i think i'm up to a fever again. well i hope not. anyways, walking in the rain was fun. Jem grabbed a bottle of mineral water and spalshed some on Aida who got all her clothes really wet by the time we got to the bus. :) it was all good though.

when i got to gokongwei i dressed into more decent clothes and ran into Pearl and Kris who were looking happy as ever *haha giddy me* and Myk came too but i didn't stay long since i was to meet Krystle who was hanging around Yuchengco. we met up there and rode a tricycle to Harrison Plaza, the crappy mall i grew up going to..haha! yeah and we finally got to buy the Hoobastank tickets...yippee for that. anyways, yeah then we ate at the tabi tabi food inside the mall...quial eggs and hotdogs, gulaman, shawarma and the like. after a snack of quail eggs we went to Tokyo Tokyo and ate tonkatsu, mah favorite!!! yeah so i spent like a thousand bucks all in two hours...how nice. now i'm broke again and i have to buy like a business attire for the manacon defense! dammit..where the hell am i gonna get the money? wah!! well anyway, that was all...

what was weird yesterday was that when we went to National Bookstore..Krystle was checking out some Filipino literary books and the only book i picked up was one with the title No Boyfriend Since Birth or something like that *in bold red letters*...i turned the book over and read the preview..it was about this girl who was pretty, smart and successful..but never had a boyfriend since birth as so goes the title. then the story goes liek she hunts for some potential boyfriends..listed there are a bunch of names..and like the third one was Mike with a brief description of don't even think about him..Krystle just laughed at the whole thing while i was wtf..yeah how nice. what even made it nicer was when we stepped out of the mall there was this taxi waiting in front of us with the name MYK transport..i was like wtf..like what is this, one fourth of the people in the world was named either Mike or John or Pedro or whatever? weird. just plain weird.

well anyways, it's all good...tonight i'm gonna study for my manacon dept exam tomorrow..then i'm gonna do my mp..the recursion thing. dammit. stupid files thing is due on thursday. and there's the dept exam on thursday too..wah! hell weeks aren't over..dang. two more weeks and i'm off. wah...i need to survive this. i desperately need to.

i'm downloading a binch of songs to update my pathetic music collection..tsk how fucking sad. hey i have this resolution not to rant about a certain someone on this blog. it looks too wholesome to be ranted on. :) oh well i have my other blog for my rants...:) my dj is still as rotten as always. waiting for someone to change the layout for me *ahem sheena*. but then we're all busy so it can friggin wait. oh yeah about the he loves me. she loves you not. thingy on the picture above, this layout was not made my me. it's just a skin i downloaded from blogskins.com and er..sorry i forgot who made this one...but as far as i know she/he's got some really great skins...well anyways, that's it..i'm gonna have dinner for a while. i'm still logged on though. i'm downloading a bunch of songs. wehehe. oh yeah and it was Antet who made fun of the he loves me he loves you not thing. fyi, it's a song by Dream, one of my favorite girl bands. :)

see ya soon..

sunday morning hell

2004-08-08T10:57:00.000+08:00

::music:: broken - amy lee
::mood :: terribly bored, hungry, sad..and..feeling like a bunch of ellipses again

i have just finished renovating the look of this blog..for the nth time..i just can't seem to find the right skin for it..well anyway, i hope this would do for now. i'm really starting to feel sleepy again so i'm gonna log out in a while. yesterday was a long day. i'll be updating about that later.

there's nothing much to look forward to anytime soon..so..don't expect anything too amazing in here. the contents of the table on this blog ain't done yet..still thinking of stuff to place in here..pics, maybe? dunno..anyways, i'll see you later.

[edit] erm..my blog looks like...MILO ENERGY DRINK DAMMIT!!!

new layout. again.

2004-08-06T22:53:00.000+08:00

thanks to blogskins.com for this..hehe.

anyways today was a total bore. i wasn't able to go to rp so maybe i'll do that on...monday. our dept exam would be class time so it's all good. i'm really really really sleepy now so i gotta go. will see you soon. :)

hey and by the way, the layout isn't done yet. will finish this off tomorrow. :) good night..

dunno what to say.

2004-08-04T22:32:00.000+08:00

first off, today was terrible. i don't wanna elaborate.

secondly i'm very much overwhelmed by the responses i've been getting. thanks so much to those who posted. now at least i've come to a sort of conclusion about it...yeah and you know what it is..sad no? la lng..

when i got into the bus tonight on my way home the tv was on Te Amo, Maging Sino ka Man, some pinoy telenovela and the scene was that Colette (the female antagonist) was holding a gun at Rosela (leading lady) and was attempting to kill her coz hse was madly in love with Fernando (lead guy) who was Rosela's true love and the one she as supposed to marry. just whe she was about to pull the trigger (with her raging and ranting about how much Rosela was like the thing that kept her from being with Fernando), the guy shows up and saves the day. then he says something like "Colette you gotta listen, i know i've caused you so much pain and trouble but i want you to move on now...i love Rosela and nothing's gonna change that. if you're gonna hurt her you gotta go through me first.." and i was like..er...i wanted to kick the tv if only i wasn't too tired and wasn't on a public utility bus. anyways, the scene got stuck in my mind and well..yeah i was toying with the idea of going to extremes, you know, going out there with a gun and shooting someone. no really. but hey i won't do that, promise. i've always been the laid back person (naks!). i would never go out hunting for some girl just because she's the one he loves. i'm not that crazy yet. i may hate her like a lot but i won't go bonkers and shoot her or anything. i'm not like that. :)

anyways, yeah it sucks how these telenovelas could actually tell the story oif your life. the only difference is that there's no happy ending. yep yep yep. the damned happy endings are just illusions that make us feel better for the protagonist. how pathetic the way these things work. damn.

*goes to the kitchen and gets herself something to eat*

yeah i'm doing this while eating and chatting with amiel..really cool dude...friend of myk and ross..st guy...really cool..swear.. :)

*goes off somewhere for a while*

so there. :sigh: i'm sleepy now. amiel and myk's past love lives are like drunk swirling in my head now..that's what you get for talking to two *brokenhearted* guys at the same time...er...wah!! i'm sleepy..

it's suddenly so clear, like there's this big big sign in front of me. like light from a passageway..but then it hurts my eyes. like i wanna reject the light..the warnth..the freedom it could offer. coz i still love you and i'll have to let it go. kahit masakit.

i'm seriously thinking of tranferring schools. if not schools then colleges. i'm serious. i know it's stupid to let go of the most prestigious school just because of someone but..i dunno. i feel like i just wanna get away. i'm seeing my former school as a home that i cold just run to and sek shlter from all this rain..but i can't coz i gotta stick to this.

ayoko na. pagod na ko. at wala na ring saysay kung ipaglalaban pa kita.

here's a little something buggin my mind...

2004-08-03T21:39:00.000+08:00

do i fight for the one i love, risk everything and look stupid or just let him go and let my love die along with the rest of me?

it's been on my mind since last night so i hope you people have something to say about this...here's a few i got from people who cared enough to gimme their opinions...

"you weigh it... is it worth it?? if it is... fight..if in the end you can't do anything about it.. proclaim what you must say, so that you will not regret never trying.. tell him whatever you feel inside, and you'll win no matter what.." ~kent

"i think yes, so at least you won't regret at the end even though you don't receive what you want, coz you know you really have tried. but it has limitations, my advice is to give yourself and himself a time limit, and don't give up within the time. but after all, if not success, i suggest you to let it go... so, you won't loose the chance and time to meet your next charming prince" ~cynthia

"it's a tough decision..." ~kris

"if he loves you and there's one thing that hinders you from loving each other, then you should. but if he doesn't love you and he's just pretending then you're just gonna look stupid for doing so." ~andrea

"if he's deserving then why not..." ~noelle

"if she loves someone else, i'd let her go. if not, i'd fight for it, specially if there's a potential that she'd like me..." ~cholo **

"let him go. if that makes him happy. if he comes back, he's yours." ~samantha

"i'll be there for her no matter what. but if it's hopeless, i'm gonna stop. it really depends on the situation..." ~antet

i'm still waiting for your responses. feel free to post them. :)

fucked up day

2004-08-03T16:40:00.000+08:00

enrollment + maccoms + ross bitching out on me + unfinished assignment + people who don't care + people na saksakan ng labo = one really screwed up tiring day.

hay. so this is the effect of too much stress due to college life. the thing is i can't give up now coz...there's a dept exam and a busines case to be submitted tomorrow. talk about hell week. gawsh.

then there's ross who bitched out on me this afternoon. you know what, i did a fucking favor for you and what do you do? bitch out on me. wala man lang thank you kahit man lang sa effort. alam mo, i never thought you'd be this irrational. really. i know hectic for you but hey take a fucking look around you are not alone. i just wish you'd stop closing in on yourself and bitch out on other people coz it sucks. i know you're pissed at me...well sorry i'm only human and newsflash: i do make mistakes. probably you're even annoyed at the fact that pearl sided with me well i'm glad coz you know what, this time you're wrong. this time you crossed the fucking line. i am sick and tired with being patient with your bitchyness. i'm sorry i'm not as intelligent as you are and not as great a programer as you are but hey..i'm only human. i hope you'd stop being so insensitive to other people's feelings when you claim that you care too much. ross hindi lang ikaw yung pagod. hindi lang ikaw yung nasestress out dito. sana marealize mo yun. and unlike you, mas madali kaming maggive up kase we aren't as strong as you are. i see a lot of determination in you na we don't have..so sana wag mo kami ibring down sa mga okray mo kase it hurts. it fucking hurts. if you're sensitive enough then sana wag ka ganyan. if you truly care then you wouldn't hurt us with your okray words. pero hinde e. everyone says na masanay ka na dun. and it sucks coz parang everyone accepts the fact na ganyan ka talaga..like wala ka nang hope magbago. tangina i hate it kase hindi nila alam kung ganu kasakit yung mga salita mo minsan.

i'm tired. we all are. pero sana wag na natin dagdagan yung tension by being bitchy to each other. all i want is to see you guys okay..ayoko na ng away. kayo na nga lang yung kaligayahan ko e, tapos ganito pa..ang lungkot.

ayun. wala lang. thoughts lang...

shifting paradigms

2004-08-02T23:41:00.000+08:00

ok fine. sana maisip mo na tuwing nasasaktan ka, nasaksaktan din ako.

shiyet. how blunt of me.

dude who cares..this is what you get when you've got a really sleepy head on my shoulders..

oo mahal kita at oo tangina miss na kita.

when life finds a way to get back at you

2004-08-02T21:41:00.000+08:00

i've been through day one of pakshet week and i'm feeling slightly optimistic about it...slightly. well...right now i'm yming cynthia and ajong who both have problems regarding their...er...guy friends...yeah...a while ago i was talking to stellar and rika...both of which thought life was shit so..there. gawd. why's everyone so down? shiyet sana ako hindi...i don't wanna feel down on pakshet week! no!! i read chapter six of our maccoms book and i kinda got the worksheet process thingy. kewl. there.. :sigh:

i wanna rant about ross coz we got into each other's nerves again this afternoon...i dunno is it me or have people changed? i mean, everyone's so bitchy nowadays...yeah even me. weird. and then there's the fact that i'm now 18 years old. sounds so...great..but hey...as someone said..er i forgot..pearl i think said that..it entails a lot of responsibilities. hell. i feel so old and i feel like i wanna be seventeen again. i wanna feel in between in the sense that i could be silly and mature at the same time...see i can't do that now coz i'm 18. gawd. it just sucks the way people look at me like omg she's 18 now and she's all grown up when deep inside there's so many kid stuff i missed out in life that i wanna do...i still wanna sit on swings and slide down slides and play jackstones and have this big crush on a rock star or teacher or classmate...i wanna be the young me again...i wanna fall in love and believe that love is a good thing and that you need not get hurt just to love someone. yeah so i'm mushy fuck those who can't respect what i think. the point is...i miss my being naive...my being innocent. my being the little girl.

feeling ko ngayon ang dungis dungis ko na. hindi ko siya sinisisi...sinisisi ko sarili ko kase tanga ako. ang tanga ko para magkagusto sa kanya. ang tanga ko at nagkakaganito ako nang dahil sa kanya. ayoko na. gusto ko lang ngayon mabalik yung dating ako. yung amoy baby powder. hindi yung may halong pabango mo. i feel like i wanna scrub everything off me, the feel of your lips on my skin..coz right now i feel like a piece of crap. fine i know it is my fault...so hell i suffer this feeling of being gross and dirty and... *tries hard not to cry*

we don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing. ~ sabi ni stellar..

wala lang. :)

2004-08-02T12:07:00.000+08:00

hello...wala lang. i'm here in gokongwei lobby...hanging with ross and amiel...naks ako ba toh?!?! ST people around me? di kaya ko mabaliw? actually ako yung pinakawell rounded sa different specializations...tamo...i hang out with rika, jason, pearl, etc (ist), ross, myk and amiel (st), ajong (ne..yeah close kme nun!)..cnu pa ba..shempre sila andrea at tutay...:) it people..la lng. stg no? ako ang dakilang pakalat kalat...er...mali...c myk pla yun. *big big grin*

ayun. tapos na class ko...tambay lang ng onti..shiyet i want this week to end na..may deot exam kase sa maccoms sa wednesday. fack. la lng. tapos mamaya paguwi i'm gonna do my maccoms assignment (hardcore na toh!! kelangan ko na intindihin yun..swear!! haha)

wah nawala yung sasabihin ko lintek c amiel kase kalibugan mga pinagsasasabi...haha shiyet. ganun b tlga pg st...programming = sex?!?! gawd..kng nakikita to ni myk malamang sasagutin nya yan haha! lupit...

mommy!!!! nababaliw na ko!!! haha joke..miss ko na c pearl..la lng..ang cute nya today with the pigtails..hehe la lng..miss ko na pumorma na nakapigtails..la lng...oo i'm ranting again..hay.

miss ko na sha. shiyet. i just saw him kanina and...er...i miss him. i miss kissing him. wah!! haha ano ba yan!! :) la lng..ganun ko sha kamiss...hehe..hay. pagibig nga naman. leche. haha ano ba to. amiel kase eh!! haha..ayun.

stg nung music collection ni myk. sarap dekwatin. i'm beginning to like this laptop..wahahah pag nawala to alam na nya kng cnu kumuha!! wah!! joke joke joke...ayan tama na i'm ranting nonsense na..wehehe...SA MGA DI PA NAGUUPDATE NG BLOG MAGUPDATE NA!! :) hehe... la lng...o tama na mga sineshare ko dito mga kalibugan nah!! waahahahahahaa!!! la lng. ingat people...kudos! :)

weirdness

2004-08-01T21:46:00.000+08:00

well to start off i'm starting my recursion mp. yeah weird me. well all i can say is that fuck that jerk who i met online who claims to be falling for me. gawd. someone knock some sense into his brain please? we don't know wach other and he claims to like me in you know what way? i'm like...er...he sounds so childish i swear..and he's 24 years old! gawd! then he says swerte talaga nung guy na mahal mo...i'm like..yeah! of course..i know i'm mean but hey...he's really annoying. i pity him a bit..he keeps on ranting about his exes not loving him at all ro something...gawd.

/*deleted a part of this entry 08.02.2004*/

there. i placed the guy in my ignore list. gawd. he's so annoying. really. anyways, there. i'm really getting sleepy now...so i guess i better go. good night y'all...

i hate sundays

2004-08-01T11:06:00.000+08:00

song that's on my mind :: desperately by michelle branch

yeah it's a boring sunday morning and i'm dreading this afternoon coz i'll be doing church service and i've gotta talk to that dude there coz i'm way behind my schedule. dang. dammit. i'm so mean but i really don't like the kids there. i mean, they're teaching God stuff and it seems to like not penetrate their heads at all. i mean, really. they're having Christian education for free (at least as far as i know) and what the hell...they think it's a joke. all they do is scout for student assistants who are gullible enough to give them money!! it's soo annoying!! really...i know they're sorta deprived and all but hey. they gotta make the best out of it...it's still education if you think of it. gawd. i'm just so annoyed.

another thing...it's sunday. i hate sundays. sundays are days when i wake up to the sound of the carpenter drilling stuff on the wall or pounding something somewhere in the house. and yeah, did i mention that it's new and there's nothing wrong with it? but no, they had to like put windows and curtains and what not everywhere. gawd! i feel like i'm in a cage in here. shiyet.

hm. wow. i can't believe i just wrote two paragraphs worth of nonsense on a sunday morning. la lng. anyways, this week is gonna be hell once again...finals are nearing and wah!! prjects are dropping in like rain..naks ano ba yun haha! la lng...hm. guess what i found maldita's blog (pearl and andrea would know who i'm talking about) and what da fawk it's pink! like the layout my borrowed heaven had before!! i'm like...damn...good thing i changed it! well this is still pink but hey. it's avril. it's cute. it rawks. it doesn't look so blogspotty. :) what the hell. :))

i called up jane yesterday before in fell fast asleep on my bed (wahaha!!) and it turnes out we won't be seeing each other for another month!! dammet! her prelims are this month and so are my finals so it's all hectic. no time to meet up. shiyet. that sucks. sucks!! hm. there was a tentative plan for me to go over at her house for a dinner birthday celebration on friday the thirteenth of august which reminds me is the er..anmath quiz. damned differentiation as a rate of change. but hell man i am gonna pass anmath whether they like it or not. i'm no longer aiming for a 2.5 coz it's way outta my league. a 1.0 would be terribly fine by me. but i still wish i could get something higher. anyways...gawd the hecticness of this upcoming week is gonna kill meeeh!! i really like my phone (haha yabang 3660) there's this to-do list thing in there where i could keep track of the deadlines and stuff. shiyet. manacon business case also on wednesday. fawk man. wednesday is gonna be hell day. yamot. then there's the files and recursion mp thingy...what da fack...ok ok don't panic. lemme straighten this out. later when i come back from the church thing i'm gonna do manacon first then maccoms then...er...mp? yeah i'm gonna do the recursion thing first. then the files. errr....damnation. read chapter six for maccoms dep exam. gawd ok..i'm not gonna panic. :) smile..sabay saksak ng teacher. nah i'm just kidding. anyways, inaantok nanaman ako. yeah that's what i hate on sundays. it's the antok factor that just makes you wanna lie in bed all day and sleep! damn...

wow. i've been ranting for four paragraphs now. astig. wahaha ross couldn't find a way to beat myk's 39 comments...wala lang i just find it amusing...39?! what the fuck..haha! oh yeah and to that myk poser..if he really is a myk poser...er i wish you didn't do that. it sucks. if it was myk however, haha nice joke it ain't funny!! :s hm. there there...i can smell tuna from my room...someone's cooking up something. you know it's funny that sundays are quieter but noisier at the same time. quieter in the sense that people could rest and you wouldn't hear the weekday rush but noisier in the sense that everyone is home and the conversations never end...wala lang observation lang. *yes scattered thoughts. sorry.*

i woke up today without the i miss you so much feeling anymore...maybe i got traumatized with the dream i had yesterday. damn dream. so much for bad dreams, no, rika? :) haha don't remind her she's gonna cry...nah kidding. funny though...i really found that funny..but if i had that dream i'd probably be terrified. :) anyways for the nth time...wah i wanna watch hoobastank..dammet. :) i need to watch that concert. terribly need to watch it. :)

tomorrow i'm gonna reserve some tickets. promise na to. sana meron pa di ba. :) wahaha!! la lng. i lurve hoobastank!!! la lng. ayan na wala na ko masabi kaya cge na. laters!! :)

it's raining.

2004-07-30T18:54:00.000+08:00

and i miss him so much.

it's hard to miss someone who sitting next to you...or for that matter someone who's so near yet so far. :(

it's only now that i've grown to realize the truth in the saying that the hardest way to miss someone is when he's sitting next to you but you can't let him feel how much you miss him...how much you love him. yeah so i'm getting all mushy again...gawd who cares? hehe..i'm still on the search for more skins for my other private blog so...it's all good. :)

hm. i'm hungry. will be back later. i'm still on the lookout for hoobastank tickets..yeah i am so determined to go to that concert...so yeah i'll check em out later. :) see yah!!

[edit] damn tickets are so expensive..i mean, look at this... there's P1,599; P1,323; P828; P331 wah!! i hope there's still available...gonna call up that damned ticketworld thing and reserve stuff...but i have to talk to stellar first... :D so again, i'll get back later.

..more layout renovations

2004-07-30T11:39:00.000+08:00

wah!! i lurve mah new layout!! thanks for rika bringing back my links thing whatever you call it... :D i'm really annoyed at someone right now..ehehe...that's why i'm shutting them all away by listening to the radio and blogging!! wahahah...anyways, it's almost lunch...i'm hungry...

i'm pissed off by the those people who have everything and yet they don't seem to appreciate what they have. it sucks when they can't see that they are annoying and they can't seem to get over things. ::sigh::

i love train's new song...ordinary...it rawks. :)

[edit] and to those who don't like my blog or anything about it, GET THE FUCK OUT. if you've got nothing nice to say then shut up. simple as that.

new layout

2004-07-29T23:54:00.000+08:00

number one: i did not make this layout...i got it from blogskins.com...tey've got a lot of nice cool skins there so if you're as lazy as i am to make my own..go right ahead and look for one. you gotta have an account though before downloading stuff...

anyways, i like it even if it's all pink AGAIN. hehe...at least...the thingsi don't like about this blog...well i haven't figured out how to change the font color for the username and post dates and subject and all...the coding for this one is on one whole body so the font colors are all the same...kinda sucks but i'll fix that soon. i hope i get it though. :)

i'm not yet done with all this though. the links aren't complete yet. maybe tomorrow it'll all be good. for now i have got to sleep. been talking to Grace again. *big big smile*

mmmm....i'm starting to love this blog. :D haha!! that or i'm just sleepy!! see you soon!!

when the clouds think twice about rain

2004-07-29T21:47:00.000+08:00

song that's on my mind :: some song by carol banawa...i forgot the title *grins*

i'm really sorry for bitching out on the previous post. i know very well that i have the right to but hey...this is a public blog and somehoe it does concern other people so...i just wanna say sorry for flaming on certain people.

anyways, since i got on the bus on the way home i've been having this weird good feeling...yeah i even did my maccoms assignment! can you believe that? gawd..and i finished reading the next chapter we're gonna discuss in manacon. i'm currently downloading my mp2 from the files folder of our groups *snickers*. heh. :) don't remind me. i'm even kind of motivated to do my next mp concerning FILES. damn those files. :)

anyways...i miss him a lot. wah how mushy of meeeee!!! i really don't wanna ba mushy here of all places but...er...it is my blog...hehe...wala lang...i just miss him, masama? kase epal e. pinaalala pa ni kitel...er...of all the things i don't like it's when people remind me of things that should be long forgotten. things like all the good things he has done for me. you know why? coz it hurts somehow. to think of all the good times and everything...it just feels sad to think that it's all gone. :( er...hate it when my eyes get all blurry right when i'm typing in the dark..damn tears...i wish i could put cement in my tear ducts or something. haha kidding.

er anyways, i'm searching for new skins for this blog. i'm getting tired of the blogspot look. i already found one and i'm gonna test it somewhere else before putting it here. wah!!~ off to work on it!!

when the rain wants to fall but doesn't

2004-07-29T13:34:00.000+08:00

song that's on my mind :: can i go now by jennifer love hewitt

it's been pretty boring lately and due to consistent puiblic demand yeah i am now updating. gawd there isn't anything to talk about that's why i ain't updating!! er...

well actually there is but it isn't fit to be published in this blog. ::sigh:: dammit. hm. what's new? i've got a new phone...er...how corny. enrollment is coming up and i havenb't figured out a decent schedule yet...er..talk about lazy. lately i've been so lazy to do anything i swear...i'm even lazy enough to not eat...yeah you heard that right. i've only been drinking lots of coffee. yun lang. corny no?

the church involvement thing is not yet done....grr....yeah and i've got what? two damn weeks. how nice. by the way, i'm planning to go to the hoobastank concert this august 17, 2004 at the folk arts theater. i do hope my parents allow me to go. stellar's gonna come with me if ever we pull through with it. :) at the very least that's the only thing i'm looking forward to next week. how pathetic.

anyways...the reason why i wasn't updating lately was coz i was updating my dj. that thing is updated almost everyday so if you find nothing here, it means that it's all there. :) dammet i can't find the ticket prices of the damn concert online!! er!!

hm.

lately i've been very angsty in my other blog. hey, di na ko magpapakaplastic dito. oo naaasar ako and i don't give a damn anymore kung may makabasa pa nito or what. yeah so i'm slightly annoyed that kung umasal sha kala mo i don't exist. it does piss me off and at the same time ok lang kase i guess sanay na ko. ok lang. i mean, it doesn't make a difference naman e. sooner or later din naman maiinis din ako and you know..it's all a vicious cycle din naman. lam mo actually it's kinda unfair on my part na i'm spilling all my beans on my online blogs. i mean, everyone knows what i think tapos ikaw...wala. never did i know what you were thinking. para akong pinagdamot sa mga thoughts mo. you still haven't answered my question (and if you don't remember, it's why) pero di na ko umaasa. i don't care much anymore if we don't talk for the rest of my life. i mean, if this is what you think would be better for both of us then fine. ok. tatanggapin ko. yun yung gusto mo e. may magagawa pa ba ko? one thing's for sure though. one day siguro malamang at sana mapatawad na kita kase kahit ako pagod na ko mainis. pagod na ko sa kakaisip. para kaseng may kaaway kang pader. mainis ka man, sapakin mo man, NR parin, di ba? masaya. sobrang saya. pero alam mo ang galing mo rin kase somehow it works. somehow. the pader strategy is kinda rubbing off on me. konti nalang masasanay na rin ako. hm. yeah whatever. sana nga lang i can hold everything until you graduate. yeah another thing i am duly thankful for na mas maaga kayo gagraduate kaysa sa amin. para naman hindi na kita makita. kung pwede nga lang lilipat na ko ng school e. kung di lang to la salle ginawa ko na. damn. bat ganon...i mean, kailangan bang lahgat ng bagay may kapalit? i mean, this school rocks like hell pero hindi ko maapreciate kase andito ka e. oo alam ko masama ako pero this is how i feel. sorry. sorry kasi naiinis ako at hindi ko mapigilan. ok lang sakin na magalit ka. you have every right to get mad at me for all care. ok lang. magalit ka. magwala ka sa harap ko, kung pwede nga awayin mo ko or sampalin mo ko bakit? may pakialam pa ba ko? wala. kase i'm too tired and too numb to feel anything anymore. that's why. tamo, yung sinasabi nilang selos, di ko an mafeel kase wala nang ibababa yung emotions ko. kumbaga asa zero na sha. wala nag ibababa kase kung bababa pa sha asa negative infinity na. ganun yung feeling ko ngayon. happy?

yes i am unfair and yes i am selfish. i know that. i know that very well. hindi mo na kailangan sabihin sakin yun. alam ko na. at kahit ano pa ibanat mo sakin na lait or whatever, wala na. wala na akong pakialam. pagod na ko, all i wanna do is rest. yun lang. take a break from everything. minsan nga naisip ko sana ako nalang si kitel. sana ako nalang yung nasagasaan at nakaLOA ngayon. pero hinde e. ako to. ako si val na nadudurog na pilit hinihila pababa. ako si val na pilit kinakayanan kahit alam na niyang sobrang sakit na. ako si val na kahit ano man mangyare nagmamahal parin kahit nagmumuka na shang tanga sa harap ng mga taong hindi marunong umintindi sa kanya. iba na talaga. grabe. ano ba ako baliw o hibang o makulit lang talaga? hay. ewan.

at sa tanong na kung sino pipiliin mo, ang mahal mo o yung taong ipaglalaban ang pagmamahal para sa iyo..ang sagot ko...actually..the situation is vague. it depends on the specific situation i am in...kung yung mahal ko hindi ako mahal or wala talagang potential na mahalin ako..well then asa pagtanggap ko nalang yun di ba? if not..kung may potential naman then make him fall. :) hehe..kung yung taong mahal ako...well i'd give him a chance. kase wala naman mawawala sakin kung bigyan ko siya ng chance di ba? besides, i like being adored. madaling mahalin ang mga taong sumasamba sayo.

ohkay, i think i have said enough...too much in fact. sa mga natamaan ko in one way or another, sorry. soryy this is my blog. :) you shouldn't give a fuck about it. you risk getting hurt or getting pissed off once you read this so...pasensyahan nalang. :) will log out now. got class. :)

p.s. in fairness i do feel a little bit better getting that off me...

lyrics. i am so uncreative.

2004-07-20T20:48:00.000+08:00

Crash Into Me
by Dave Matthews Band

You've got your ball
you've got your chain
tied to me tight
tie me up again
who's got their claws
in you my friend
Into your heart
I'll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock and sweet you roll
Lost for you I'm so lost for you

You come crash into me
And I come into you
I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I'm bare boned and crazy for you
When you come crash into me, baby
And I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

If I've gone overboard
Then I'm begging you to forgive me
in my haste
When I'm holding you so girl close to me
Oh and you come crashinto me, baby
And I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show your world to me
In a boys dream..
In a boys dream

Oh I watch you there
through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you wear it so well
tied up and twisted
the way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash into me

***

it means something somehow. yeah the song's kinda bastos and everything but hey it makes sense. :) it's cute...haha. in a way. la lng.

grins

2004-07-19T22:53:00.000+08:00

happy birthday myk!!!