friends (a must read. promise.)
[:music:] losing grip - avril lavigne[:mood :] okay
[note] i know this is terribly long, but hey. i mean every word. must read specially for svet. ;)
The Purpose Driven Life Chapter 11: Becoming Best Friends With God
funny how the chapter had something to do with friendship..last night was the weirdest night of my life..come to think of it, a similar incident happened around last school year this time concerning jason and at that time his attitude.
well anyways what really happened last night was far more complicated. i was talking to sheena and ellen over yahoo messenger while creating this really cool wallpaper when svet messaged me saying she knew i was mad at her and that she was sorry though she knew not the reasons why i "hated" her so much. i tried to pretend not to be mad, saying there wasn't any reason to be but she got disconnected so she called me on my cell phone. i answered it and to my surprise she was crying to me over the phone i was like, "what the hell is going on, why are you crying?!" then she tells me she was sorry for whatever she had done wrong and i was huh?? then she tells me "i read your blog. the red one." [my ever loving deadjournal] right then i felt like the world stopped spinning. i was speechless. there was dead air for like..more than ten seconds. finally i blurted out "you read that?" she said "yeah.." and i was like..ggrrr..."you weren't supposed to read that dammit!" then she told me how she managed to stumble upon the journal *won't tell you how--my fault anyways* and how she managed to read my hate post about her (not meant for her read though). so i felt like my world was tumbling down on me again..i thought she knew everything. by everything i mean the things i've been deliberately keeping from her since we became friends. yes this concerns a lot more than what she does think, i know. i asked her what else did she read and somehow it was weird coz even though my dj is like the dead giveaway to my spo called secrets, she still has no idea about them. or so she says. whatever the case may be, i don't know..i still haven't thought about it yet.
anyways, after quite a long talk..well not really long coz most of it was dead air..she proposed something to me. she said that she'd tell me everything and in return i'd tell her everything. come to think of it things weren't this complicated with other people i've tried to befriend. anyways, i thought about it. i told her i'd think about it after all the academic shit goes away. pearl and ellen kept nagging me to tell svet everything and i just didn't know what to do.
so there. that was basically it. this is what's bugging me right now. to tell her or not to tell her. people keep saying that she is my friend and she is involved and that she should understand what i'm gonna tell her but like 99% of me is telling me to get a grip on myself, shut up and try to be at peace with myself, if not pretend to be okay.
what can i say? it's hard. at times i do wanna tell her but...something's telling me not to. first i guess because i'm the one who's gonna look utterly stupid for saying what i have to say. it's not right. it's not nice to hear from someone like me. i don't want this out in the open. it's an old issue that needs to die fast coz it's ruining my relationship with svet. it's ruining me. and i have to get a grip before i go insane. this thing is just a fruit of what's been going on lately, from what sheena has been saying..our talk last friday really cleared my mind and emotions on what i really feel. and i didn't like it at all. it's not nice to be feeling this way towards someone who has nothing against me and who hasn't done anything wrong to me.
doesn't this just suck? yeah. and so i go reading the chapter on purpose driven life hoping to find a little light in this darkness that i'm in right now. i keep telling myself not to hate anyone anymore...to stop it..coz i'm pushing people away by doing so..and it's not good. i've lost him as it is and i don't wanna lose him as a friend too. and i don't wanna lose svet either. yeah you heard that right. despite how much i'm annoyed at her..she still means something to me. we may not be that close...but the fact that she shed tears in the name of our friendship, it means a lot to me. not even my best friend did that for me. or at least i think so.
thinking this all over i'm s tempted to just let it all out and be honest...i'm tired of living a lie. i'm tired of all these secrets i'm hiding, all this hate, all this confusion. i just wanna be free. and that's why i am seeking God's help again. and yes, he managed to give me a few hints.
as i said, the chapter was all about being friends with the Lord. the first step or way to do so was through constant conversation. the first person i thought of when i read that was svet. i remembered how we weren't talking to each other lately and how we were keeping things from each other. it led me to the real meaning of friendship..the real essence of it, and it's far from what svet and i have...despite the fact that we do care about each other, there's still a lot of holding back because of issues about myself that she wants to know about. i'm beginning to see that this is how much she cares and i don't wanna break that. it just isn't right.
a line that struck me in the segment was this: the key to friendship with God...is not changing what you do but changing your attitude toward what you do. what you normally do for yourself, you begin doing for God... it reminds me so much about the first thing i ever learned from this book and that is to love unconditionally. love without asking anything for return. this is how i could transcend the pain and see things in a different way.
another way to be God's best friend was through continual meditation. lately i've been thinking too much and i think i've been meditating on the wrong things again. i feel like the negative side of things are starting to get the better of me again and it's about time i get hold of them. coz chances are, when they win over me, i'm not only gonna tear myself apart, but also those who care.
in this situation anyone would say that this sucks. i'd definitely agree. but sometimes i need to see the better side of things, like my growing friendship with svet. i have to remember my reason why i befriended her in the first place. i have to remember why i made her my friend. and i have to remember that no matter how simple our friendship may be, it means a lot to her. coz she values her friends a lot. and hey, i'm one of them, ain't i?
no matter how much i debate with myself i know i'm gonna end up deciding not to tell her. but hey, who knows. things change. they really really really do. i may have faltered when i started to change but i know i can get through this. God is watching over me and we do have faith in each other. i haev faith in Him that he'd guide me in this and he's got faith in me that i could make it.
know what? these are the best words i've ever heard for the past few days.
i want to thank you for all the good times we shared...most especially nung last term ng first year...i won't ever forget that...in case you didn't know that i really appreciate you....in case you didn't know how much i value that things we shared..i guess i wasn't able to tell you that..
svet, i'm sorry. sorry for bitching out on you even if i know for a fact that you did nothing wrong. as much as possible i'm trying to keep that in mind. i'm very very sorry for hurting you..i didn't think that this would hit you real hard...and yeah, thanks so much for appreciating our friendship like this...no one ever ever did that for me..well, what can i say, you're one of a kind. :) hope this friendship lsts longer. i know, it's been my fault..but hey..i;'m trying to change, ain't i? thanks again for being there. it does mean a lot..i've never met anyone who's like really into a friendship like this. thanks. you're a gift of God. :)
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